6:30 A.M. -- The day starts early for Mr. Hollywood.  After a late night that included a screening of Jerry and Michael’s new film, soupçon with Jen and Brad, and a whirlwind ride down Sunset Boulevard with Halle -- stopping only to see if anyone was hurt -- Mr. H manages to grab a few hours of sleep.  Now when the alarm goes off, dreams of Jen and Brad and Halle go poof!  Reality strikes.  And Mr. H realizes he needs to sell a screenplay and get famous... and that task begins today!!

7:00 A.M. -- Meditation, yoga, a healthy breakfast of yogurt and fresh fruits, this is a list of just some of the things Mr. Hollywood does not touch with a ten-foot Best Boy.  Early morning regime consists instead of what Mr. Hollywood likes to call “plotting the demise of my enemies” as seen on the repeat of E! News Live! while wandering around his apartment drinking coffee (with Mocha Mix) and reading the trades (for free) off the Internet.  Today, Mr. Hollywood happily strikes the name Ben Affleck from “The List” due to the actor’s own career suicide and a screen presence that has the kilowatt equivalent of the light bulb in an E-Z Bake Oven.  Affleck joins Mike Ovitz, Pauly Shore and Hilary Swank in a special category: “People We Don’t Have To Think About Anymore.”

8:00 A.M -- Time for “Make-up and Hair” for Mr. Hollywood, or the next best thing, in this case dropping by the apartment of his upstairs neighbor and crush-groove, Liz Chatski.  Blow dryer and can of “Top Coverage” in hand, Mr. Hollywood also brings along that treatment he’s been working on for Liz, the one-woman show version of Lysistrata -- a theme he hopes will spill over into the busy actress’s personal life.  Liz greets Mr. H wearing a sheer pink negligee from Victoria’s Secret and matching high heels; she’s been, inexplicably, asleep like this.  Seems she was out late in an evening that included a screening of Jerry and Michael’s new movie, soupçon with Jen and Brad, and a whirlwind ride down Sunset Boulevard with... Ben Affleck.  She will have to get back to Mr. H.  And Mr. H will have to reassess Mr. Affleck’s position on “The List.”  But Liz manages to impart crucial cosmetic advice: “You look fine” before shutting the door.

10:15 A.M. -- “Off to the studio!”  The Black Tower beckons and so it’s over the hill to Universal and a pre-meeting ritual -- the cavity search pat-down at the Lankersheim gate.  Mr. Hollywood always likes to arrive early and brings muffins for the gang in Security, figuring that since they’re having more intimate contact than most dates he’s been on lately, he might as well reciprocate.  Mr. Hollywood is allowed through the checkpoint after only twenty minutes and told to have that polyp checked.  He makes a note to do so and is curious to find one of the guards has slipped him his phone number.

11:00 A.M. -- Arriving right on time for his “eleven,” Mr. Hollywood must wait for his meeting with Mega Picture’s Vice President of Development, Trace Frillpot.  Seems the busy executive was up late the night before -- playing second base for his Little League Team, the Studio City Tigers -- and is still having his cereal.  Mr. Hollywood takes the opportunity to research Mega Pictures’ slate of films, an exercise accomplished by glancing up at the posters on the wall.  Mega’s hits include: Teen This! and its follow–up, the disappointing Teen That!  And Mr. H wonders if the movie idea he was planning on pitching -- Oh You Teens!-- might be too “on the nose.”  It doesn’t matter anyway as Trace is called away to an emergency orthodontist appointment and must reschedule.  Seems he got a Lucky Charm caught in his braces.

1:00 P.M. -- It’s lunchtime in Hollywood and where else would Mr. H go but the latest in-spot, Zirø, the California-Mediterranean-Ethiopian place on Sunset Plaza.  A lunch reservation made three days earlier goes a long way in helping Mr. Hollywood get seated in only twenty minutes as his agent, Helmut, has yet to show up.  This brief pause gives Mr. H a chance to do some research, an exercise accomplished by glancing up at the mixture of producers, stars and assorted loudmouths on hand.  Mr. H spots Jen and Brad, Jerry and Michael and... Ben Affleck, who is sharing the Haile Selassie Salad with yet another starlet who is not Ms. Lo.  At least he’s not with Liz Chatski.  But Mr. H’s fond thoughts of his upstairs neighbor are dashed when he spots Liz sharing the Avocado and Dirt Pannini with Pauly Shore.

4:00 P.M. -- It’s exercise time for Mr. Hollywood and his Scottish Terrier, Sweetie Baby, who take in the sights at the Hollywood Dog Park.  It’s a celebrity-studded day at Rin Tin Tin Memorial, and Mr. H, as always, is fascinated to see how each star’s canine companion in some way mirrors its owner.  Among today’s sightings: Will Smith and his Whippet, Sharon Stone and her blond Afghan “Patch” and Greg Kinnear and his Bulldog “Peppy,” who, sadly, is... dead.  Before he leaves, Mr. H is stopped by a talent agent who wishes to represent Sweetie Baby.  Mr. H takes the agent’s card, amazed, as always, that his dog’s career is doing better than his own.

6:30 P.M. -- Back home in his lush digs at Villa Arsenio, Mr. Hollywood readies himself for an evening ritual -- the doling out of advice to the show biz residents of his building who always seem to drop by at the dinner hour.  Between mixing up a favorite Hollywood gourmet meal that Mr. H has dubbed “Top Ramen,” he is visited by Mrs. Pretsky and her six-year-old twins, Ike and Tina, who complain about the headache caused by today’s audition for an Excedrin commercial.  Also stopping by is Mexican trans-gender cabaret performer, Señor Jita, and a new resident of the building, Bobby Wheeler, the world’s worst Christian ventriloquist, who has brought his dummy “J.C.” to amuse Mrs. Pretsky’s kids.  They are not amused.  When the cacophony builds to a fever pitch Mr. H is tempted to send everybody packing but soon relents, breaking out more “Ramen” and inviting all to stay.  “J.C.,” via Bobby, makes a “loaves and fishes” joke.  Now no one is amused.

11:30 P.M. -- Up on the roof of his apartment building, Mr. Hollywood looks out on the city and reflects on the successes of the day.  In the distance, searchlights at the Kodak Theater indicate another premiere he will not be attending.  And overheard the stars are but specks washed out by brighter lights below.  In truth, Mr. H is up here to solve the mystery of who planted and now waters the potted palm that magically appeared one day and seems to thrive on the rooftop.  Mr. H reflects on how a palm tree that is not watered manages to survive at all.  But then he remembers that Hollywood was once a desert and, in many ways, still is.  Mr. H’s reverie is broken by the sound of screeching tires.  Liz is home.  And driving away into the distance... Ben Affleck.  Another day in Hollywood has ended.  But as Scarlett O’Hara said in the shooting script of Gone With The Wind, in a line that was, sadly, cut in editing: “Tomorrow is another day...  Let’s hope to God it’s better than this one.”

Mr. Hollywood is a veteran screenwriter who writes a weekly column, "Out To Lunch With Mr. Hollywood."  (Visit his website at http://www.outtolunchwithmrhollywood.com/.) His film credits include Nanook & McLain, the eskimo cop buddy comedy famous for its poster line "He's got thirty different ways to say 'You're busted!'"  Mr. Hollywood has never won an Oscar.  

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