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HOW TO GET YOUR
SCRIPT SLAMMED SHUT Getting their script slammed shut isn’t, for most writers, its own end. It’s merely an instrumental step toward the ultimate goal of perpetual obscurity. After all, trying to get into business with agents and producers is like bobbing for sharks. It’s when you succeed that the real trouble begins—complicated negotiations, tax problems, pesky paparazzi, and menus with lettuces you can’t pronounce. It’s safer on the whole to remain unknown. The first steps toward obscurity are no doubt familiar to you. Write a mediocre script, the worse the better. Send a messy and irritating query letter with no SASE. For many, failure is assured at this point. However, for those who aren’t able to hide their skill, there will be the odd request for the script. If you don’t take precautions, readers may be moved by your writing to envision their names next to yours on the dotted line. Then it’s a downhill ride to lifelong representation, gifts that require parking spaces, and the envelope, please. Unless you give readers a good reason to slam your script shut. If the message you wish to send to agents and producers is I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR TIME, choose faint dot matrix printing, pages out of sequence, and ten point type. Dwell on insignificant details, and type all the way to the edge of the page, especially on the left, so the reader will have to take the script apart to read the first word of each line. Remember that considerations like consistent scene headings and capitalizing a new character’s name or a key sound effect carry the risk of helping the reader understand the story and like the script. If you’d rather say I HAVEN’T DONE MY HOMEWORK, use lots of camera direction and angles. Number your scenes, and do the work of the director, actors, set decorator and music supervisor by spewing description like a bad novelist. A descriptive style that relies on "We see…" can actually cause a skin rash in many readers. Follow last year’s spec script conventions, and clutter up each page with lots of CUT TO’s and CONTINUED’s. Avoid the industry standard three-hole-punched-two-strong-brads-blank-cardstock-cover presentation; it screams "professional!" In extreme cases, talent may still show, and you’ll have to be more emphatic to prevent a sale. To send the message I’M A DANGER TO MYSELF AND OTHERS, put a picture (preferably of yourself) on the script’s cover. Advertise "First Draft" on the title page, and date the script like expired milk. Write the submittee into the story. Place hand written corrections on every page, and doodle nooses in the margins. Or behave as if white space were the enemy and simply ink yourself into oblivion. Excessive? The goal of perpetual obscurity is too important to leave to chance. As many trips to the multiplex prove, with luck, the slightest spark of creativity can ignite a troublesome career. As a final protection, leave your contact information off the title page. Then, even if agents and producers do like your script, they won’t know where to send the contracts, and your success-free future will be secure. Rothenberg’s Insiders System for Writers is the doorway between undiscovered writers and top industry decision makers. Call 800-397-2615 for a brochure or visit their website by clicking here.
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