First, thanks to all the non irony-challenged readers.
My contributions: do as little worldbuilding as possible; in fact, brag about how little backstory you've invested in your work, then imply that anyone doing otherwise is a complete fossilized nerd.
When preparing to write your masterpiece, go to writers' workshops and conventions and pester every single published author for 'the secret formula' to getting published. The more years you do this before actually writing, the better.
Choose beta readers who don't read in your genre, because we all know that good writing is good writing no matter what, and nuances of genre shouldn't apply. When the beta readers give you tips about this genre they never read, follow all of those suggestions.
Dig your heels in and never accept revision requests from editors. Your words should stand as they are.
Never bother to research an agent or publisher before you query them; they have an ad in the back of a well-known writers' magazine, doesn't that mean they are legit?
Always write to the lowest-common denominator of average reading ability in your genre.
Self-publish your NaNo novel without editing.
Query before you and your mms are ready, because agents and publishers will never remember you a year from now when you try again.
Don't bother to keep records of where you queried.
Publish before you might be ready, because the quality of your backlist never matters.
When choosing publishers, start with tiny presses that can't market, and work your way up to bigger publishers.
When you self-publish, treat reviews and reader comments as editorial assistance, and put out multiple new editions as you fix those issues.
(Any irony encountered in this post is meant affectionately.)