[PLEASE READ FIRST POST] Post the First Three Sentences of your Novel

[Crash.Dragon]

I know I haven't started my WIP in the right place so I'm playing with a few new opening options. Here's the one I'm currently leaning towards:

“I need a new knife,” I say, focussed on the trade market at the bottom of the hill.

She snorts, pulling my attention, and her gaze flits over the arsenal hidden from my shoulders down to my boots. “You sure about that?”

I have no idea who "she" is. A proper name might work better.

Also, I agree with the other critique regarding "the arsenal hidden." I believe I understand the intent, but it feels awkward and unclear to me, especially as an opening.

Otherwise, I like. You got my attention, in that I'm wondering who these people are and what they're doing.

 

[adinaluca]

My first three sentences:

Alpha’s eyes zoom in and focus on the links between what used to be two giant islands at the Western end of Eurasia. They are now part of mainland, wired up together with structures that Alpha knows inside out from decades of maintenance work. In clear days, the entire Eurasian continent is visible all the way to the Atlantic.

 

[adinaluca]

Alright, let's give this a try.


The dark street warped and shifted as Ashlin raced down it. Dead streetlamps and buildings cast twisted shadows at odd angles that seemed to fall in whatever direction they felt like, instead of stretching away from whatever provided the pale light. They moved as she passed, following her like fingers outstretched to catch her.

It may be too late and I am not very good at this and others already said a lot.
The second sentence is heavy (plus it has two 'whatever'). I would take it out entirely and add a third that delivers a punch on where she's going.

The dark street warped and shifted as Ashlin raced down. Dead streetlamps and buildings moved as she passed, following her like fingers outstretched to catch her. ____________ (third sentence here)

I know it's a dream, I read the comments above. I very rarely race in dreams, if anything, I find it hard to move. But that may just be me, with sleep paralysis or whatever horrid diagnostic I may have. I would not have thought that was a dream...

 

[neandermagnon]

My first three sentences:

Alpha’s eyes zoom in and focus on the links between what used to be two giant islands at the Western end of Eurasia. They are now part of mainland, wired up together with structures that Alpha knows inside out from decades of maintenance work. In clear days, the entire Eurasian continent is visible all the way to the Atlantic.

The idea of islands being joined to the mainland by artificial structures is really interesting worldbuilding.

I'm a bit confused what's going on here, though. The Atlantic is west of Eurasia so if Alpha is talking about giant islands to the west of Eurasia (Great Britain and Ireland?) and can see all the way to the Atlantic (which is to the west of Eurasia) - they're not seeing the entire Eurasian continent? Unless Alpha's in East Asia and viewing the British Isles from across the continent? That's only possible if the Earth is flat and Alpha has superhuman vision (or is a kind of being that can see that far) so I'm not really sure what you mean. Knowing where Alpha is and what Alpha is would help clear up this confusion.

Also, I am not keen on starting with filtering "Alpha's eyes zoom in and focus on" - is there another way to show that these islands are joined to the mainland? I think if you make it clear who Alpha is and what they are doing it may make it clearer how they're looking across an entire continent and eliminate the need for the filtering. You can just say that the islands are joined to the mainland by a structure and the reader will know the character is seeing it

Nit pick: I would say "On clear days" rather than "In clear days".

I like the 2nd sentence a lot better - this sentence tells me something about Alpha and about the world. Overall, I'd be inclined to read on if the confusing bits are fixed. I also suspect that having a little more information about Alpha would increase the intrigue.

 

[adinaluca]

The idea of islands being joined to the mainland by artificial structures is really interesting worldbuilding.

I'm a bit confused what's going on here, though. The Atlantic is west of Eurasia so if Alpha is talking about giant islands to the west of Eurasia (Great Britain and Ireland?) and can see all the way to the Atlantic (which is to the west of Eurasia) - they're not seeing the entire Eurasian continent? Unless Alpha's in East Asia and viewing the British Isles from across the continent? That's only possible if the Earth is flat and Alpha has superhuman vision (or is a kind of being that can see that far) so I'm not really sure what you mean. Knowing where Alpha is and what Alpha is would help clear up this confusion.

Also, I am not keen on starting with filtering "Alpha's eyes zoom in and focus on" - is there another way to show that these islands are joined to the mainland? I think if you make it clear who Alpha is and what they are doing it may make it clearer how they're looking across an entire continent and eliminate the need for the filtering. You can just say that the islands are joined to the mainland by a structure and the reader will know the character is seeing it

Nit pick: I would say "On clear days" rather than "In clear days".

I like the 2nd sentence a lot better - this sentence tells me something about Alpha and about the world. Overall, I'd be inclined to read on if the confusing bits are fixed. I also suspect that having a little more information about Alpha would increase the intrigue.

Thank you neandermagnon, I realised the mistake of 'the entire continent' while posting it. I will change into Western coast of Eurasia.

Yes, it's about a future where GB and IRE are part of Europe and it's one single continent with Asia. Happy it got through.

The zoom in and focus is supposed to show that Alpha's vision is also from the future - better vision in the future to see in the distance, if you see what I mean. But it sounds like it fell flat.

Does it not show that Alpha works in infrastructure maintenance?

Ashamed by 'in clear days', please try to forget you read that

 

[Bing Z]

Alpha’s eyes zoom in and focus {suggest to cut one of zoom/focus... the focus here is the giant islands, not his eye movements} on the links between what used to be two giant islands at the Western end of Eurasia. They are now part of mainland, wired up together with structures that Alpha knows inside out from decades of maintenance work. In clear days, the entire Eurasian continent is visible all the way to the Atlantic.

Like neandermagnon, I find the worldbuilding interesting.

However, the opening also bugs me. Where is Alpha.... On a space station looking down? Standing in his office staring at a hologram map? Watching a monitor? Thus, you are setting your story without a setting (yet).

 

[adinaluca]

Like neandermagnon, I find the worldbuilding interesting.

However, the opening also bugs me. Where is Alpha.... On a space station looking down? Standing in his office staring at a hologram map? Watching a monitor? Thus, you are setting your story without a setting (yet).

Thank you Bing Z. She's on the top floor of a high rise. Initially I had it in, but then I thought surely it was understandable... well, it wasn't. I'll add it back somehow.

I got the 'zoom in / focus'. Trying too hard...

 

[neandermagnon]

Thank you neandermagnon, I realised the mistake of 'the entire continent' while posting it. I will change into Western coast of Eurasia.

Yes, it's about a future where GB and IRE are part of Europe and it's one single continent with Asia. Happy it got through.

If I'm honest, I first thought of Japan because I initially got east and west mixed up in my mind, then kicked myself lol Doubly so because I'm British lol

(In my opinion, Europe and Asia are already one single continent, at least from a geographical point of view - considering them as two separate continents is more of a political thing. But I digress. Sounds like an interesting world in any case )

The zoom in and focus is supposed to show that Alpha's vision is also from the future - better vision in the future to see in the distance, if you see what I mean. But it sounds like it fell flat.

Does it not show that Alpha works in infrastructure maintenance?

It does show that Alpha works in infrastructure maintenance. The zoom in and focus doesn't really show what you want it to - I got that it's set in the future because of the structures, but it doesn't necessarily follow that he'd have better eyes because it's the future. There are too many possibilities for better eyes - Alpha could be a robot, or an alien, or a fantasy being. It's not a foregone conclusion that people in the future would have better vision - evolution doesn't work like that. If there's technology that enhances Alpha's vision, you'd need to show or explain that.

Ashamed by 'in clear days', please try to forget you read that

Everyone makes typos and sometimes you need a second pair of eyes to spot them We've all been there many times!

 

[MissJones89]

I'd love some feedback on my first three sentences:

Cass watched the black freight train grow larger as it approached her at 60 miles an hour. From her spot in the middle of the rails, she took in the details that gradually appeared as the train got closer. There was a splash of red in the middle of the train—a logo she couldn’t make out—and two large lights mounted on each side of it.

 

[Unimportant]

My first three sentences:

Alpha’s eyes zoom in and focus on the links between what used to be two giant islands at the Western end of Eurasia. They are now part of mainland, wired up together with structures that Alpha knows inside out from decades of maintenance work. In clear days, the entire Eurasian continent is visible all the way to the Atlantic.

I assume that Alpha is some kind of robot. Alpha works/worked carrying out maintenance on the artificial structures that connect the islands to the mainland (note that I suck at geography so I don't know which islands these are/were). But since it's Alpha's eyes, not their gaze, that zoom in and focus, I'm assuming Alpha is as artificial as the connecting structures. Not sure yet if there's a level of sapience beyond sentience with them.

An interesting opening and setting; I'd read further.

 

[Unimportant]

I'd love some feedback on my first three sentences:

Cass watched the black freight train grow larger as it approached her at 60 miles an hour. From her spot in the middle of the rails, she took in the details that gradually appeared as the train got closer. There was a splash of red in the middle of the train—a logo she couldn’t make out—and two large lights mounted on each side of it.

S1: It's an unusual detail that the character knows the exact speed of the train; I assume she's some kind of physics geek who calculates those "if the train leaves the station at x....." for fun. The fact that the train is black (and she can see that) tells me it's broad daylight.

S2: A bit passive and telly; I'd suggest trimming and using some more clear details and active verbs -- or, if this is going where it looks like it will (she's standing in the middle of the rails = she's planning to die-by-train) maybe get into her head here.

S3: I wasn't sure what part of the train the 'middle' is. Is it the front of the engine, where the cowcatcher would be (if that's still a thing)? The middle of the side of the engine? The middle car, halfway between engine and caboose? Is the train coming straight at her or round a curve and she's seeing it from the side? The "two large lights" -- wouldn't she think of them as headlights, if she knows enough about trains to know their speed?

 

[Sonsofthepharaohs]

I'd love some feedback on my first three sentences:

Cass watched the black freight train grow larger as it approached her at 60 miles an hour. From her spot in the middle of the rails, she took in the details that gradually appeared as the train got closer. There was a splash of red in the middle of the train—a logo she couldn’t make out—and two large lights mounted on each side of it.

I think, considering where you seem to be starting your story, you're focusing on the wrong details.

You seem to want us to see this scene like a movie, with the train coming towards her, the details coming into sharper focus as it gets closer, in the hope that it'll create suspense. But that's just not how a written scene works. You can never capture the tension and sense of impending danger by focusing on visual details. To do that in a novel, you need to get into the character's head and give us their emotions.

There's no emotion in this scene at all, and for someone standing in front of a train, presumably waiting for it to hit her, that's very odd. It's all just facts and physical details, but I have no idea what Cass is actually doing there, or what she's feeling.

Instead of trying to make us see what she sees, try to make us feel what she feels. This might include snippets of visual imagery, but it's more likely to include thoughts about what is about to happen to her and whether or not she actually wants to be standing there when that train gets to her.

 

[Spukug]

Hello adinaluca!
Thanks for sharing!

Overall I like what's going on, and I would read more from these sentences.

There is some crossover in the first two sentences you might be able to clear up.
I think you can merge them and (maybe) get the same effect.

Something like:
Alpha's eyes zoom in on the links between two (giant/former) islands now (part of/ connected to/ incorporated into the) the Western coast of Eurasia.

The bold is the simplest way I can think of to say it. The normal text are some options to mull over depending on what you're going for.
(The 'now' might be necessary. It was hard to decide.)

Alpha’s eyes zoom in and focus on the links between what used to be two giant islands at the Western end of Eurasia. They are now part of mainland,

These 29 words could be reduced to one sentence of 15 words.

It allows you to rearrange the SECOND sentence a bit to put the focus on Alpha.
(Where I'm assuming you want it to be. It's where I want it to be, at least.)

As it stands, the THIRD sentence didn't add any new information for me.
(Not saying I'd cut it; it depends on what comes after it.)

Best of Luck!

--Spukug--

 

[Spukug]

Hello MissJones89!
Thank you for sharing!

My first impression is these three sentences are very distancing as a reader.

What I mean is: it doesn't feel like I'm getting Cass' POV. (Which is fine if that's what you're going for. But the effect on the reader is that it is difficult to identify with Cass. Which means it could be difficult for a reader to care if Cass is in trouble.)

Knowing the exact speed of the train has been mentioned, so I will use another example

The SECOND sentence:

From her spot in the middle of the rails, she took in the details that gradually appeared as the train got closer.

The bold distances the reader from the situation. From the FIRST sentence, we already know the train is approaching her so that part is redundant.
On top of that, you are telling us 'she took in the details that gradually appeared' which filters the experience through her.

If you want the reader distanced, these sentences are fine (though I'd remove the redundacy from the SECOND).

If you want the reader to feel closer to Cass, you don't need the second sentence at all. It could be something like:

Cass (stood? was tied?) in the middle of the tracks, a black freight train barreling toward her.
(Then you could go right in to your third sentence and describe the train, or get us inside her head. I know I'm curious what her opinion of the situation is.)

This would help me connect to the character more, which makes me care about the character's story more.

Hope This Helps Some!

--Spukug--

 

[Spukug]

Character-driven near-future SF

John Henry Hill loved the fields before him. Soft grey-brown soil was upturned in neat rows stretching into the distance, rising and falling evenly like an earthen ocean frozen in time. They were his family’s fields.

 

[Tocotin]

Character-driven near-future SF

John Henry Hill loved the fields before him. Soft grey-brown soil was upturned in neat rows stretching into the distance, rising and falling evenly like an earthen ocean frozen in time. They were his family’s fields.

I like the rhythm of this and would read on. The only part that, in my opinion, doesn't quite fit, is "frozen in time". You already have a solid simile, which paints a vivid picture at least to me as a reader. "Frozen in time" makes the simile feel piled up and dilutes the effect. But all in all, strong writing.

 

[Nether]

My first three sentences:

Alpha’s eyes zoom in and focus on the links between what used to be two giant islands at the Western end of Eurasia. They are now part of mainland, wired up together with structures that Alpha knows inside out from decades of maintenance work. In clear days, the entire Eurasian continent is visible all the way to the Atlantic.

I was also confused by the zoom & focus, at least until I read the critique suggesting Alpha is a robot. However, it's still a weird, filter-y sentence and there's a lot of filtering happening in the opening paragraph. And, considering these are all things representing a kind of status quo, I'm not sure why they're a focus.

I'm also a little iffy on the idea of something being part of the mainland simply because they have what sounds like a bridge. An island is an island even with a bridge. If it's something else, it might need to be clearer.

And, speaking of clarity, I was thrown by the "they" because at first glance I wasn't sure it referred to Alpha's eyes or the island. And do we need to know that Alpha worked on them at this point? Is that a relevant detail?

I don't consider it a strong beginning, but I also kinda look for something that'll hook me -- a really unusual description, a catchy observation, snappy dialogue, etc. Not that I'd necessarily judge the strength of a manuscript by its three opening lines.

 

[Nether]

I'd love some feedback on my first three sentences:

Cass watched the black freight train grow larger as it approached her at 60 miles an hour. From her spot in the middle of the rails, she took in the details that gradually appeared as the train got closer. There was a splash of red in the middle of the train—a logo she couldn’t make out—and two large lights mounted on each side of it.

There's a lot of filtering here. If you want to insert Cass into the scene, you could have her do something other than watch -- especially since any observed detail could be assumed to be the result of watching -- doubly so since you have some form of filtering in all three sentences ("watched" "took in" and "couldn't make out").

The "60 miles an hour" (shouldn't it be "per hour"?) also feels strangely out of place since it's not an unusual speed for a train, is it?

I'm also not sure what "the middle of the rails" signifies. At first, I thought it meant "track" but some of those details would be impossible to observe if a train was coming head on.

Overall, I feel like these sentences could use some polish.

 

[Nether]

Character-driven near-future SF

John Henry Hill loved the fields before him. Soft grey-brown soil was upturned in neat rows stretching into the distance, rising and falling evenly like an earthen ocean frozen in time. They were his family’s fields.

Although I think this could use some work, the prose doesn't flow badly -- even if the information seems laid out in the wrong order and is overly tell-y. In the wild (so to speak), I'd likely read at least a few more sentences while making up my mind about the book.

(And yes, this is despite nothing happening in the opening lines. It's a tell, followed by a description, followed by... well, it feels like a tell?)

I 100% agree with Ticotin that "an earthen ocean frozen in time" is like adding a hat to a hat -- and more specifically like adding a baseball cap to a top hat. The first part (earthen ocean) conjures interesting imagery while the second (frozen in time) is a bit cliche.

My biggest problem is probably that third sentence, which just feels weird.

 

[Spukug]

I like the rhythm of this and would read on. The only part that, in my opinion, doesn't quite fit, is "frozen in time". You already have a solid simile, which paints a vivid picture at least to me as a reader. "Frozen in time" makes the simile feel piled up and dilutes the effect. But all in all, strong writing.

Thank you for your time, Tocotin!

There are a few sentences of my story that (intentionally) are a bit heavy on words. There is a certain pattern and rhythm I can't show in three sentences.

At the same time, I know a few will need to be trimmed to give the reader a more pleasurable experience, and I will certainly add your comments to my 'things to check when the first draft is finished'.

Appreciated!

--Spukug--

 

[Spukug]

Although I think this could use some work, the prose doesn't flow badly -- even if the information seems laid out in the wrong order and is overly tell-y. In the wild (so to speak), I'd likely read at least a few more sentences while making up my mind about the book.

(And yes, this is despite nothing happening in the opening lines. It's a tell, followed by a description, followed by... well, it feels like a tell?)

I 100% agree with Ticotin that "an earthen ocean frozen in time" is like adding a hat to a hat -- and more specifically like adding a baseball cap to a top hat. The first part (earthen ocean) conjures interesting imagery while the second (frozen in time) is a bit cliche.

My biggest problem is probably that third sentence, which just feels weird.

Thank you for your comments, Nether!

The description in the second sentence is how the MC sees his family's fields. It describes the fields, but moreso it describes his character as he shows his love for them.

I'll certainly take into consideration whether this is properly conveyed to the reader when I edit down the road. It is valuble insight!

Sadly, the third sentence sets up the fourth. In the context I agree with your 'weird' descriptor.

Thank you for your time!

--Spukug--

 

[neandermagnon]

I'd love some feedback on my first three sentences:

Cass watched the black freight train grow larger as it approached her at 60 miles an hour. From her spot in the middle of the rails, she took in the details that gradually appeared as the train got closer. There was a splash of red in the middle of the train—a logo she couldn’t make out—and two large lights mounted on each side of it.

I'm interested to know what's going on with Cass, particularly why she's in the middle of the rails (the only thing I can think of is that this is a suicide attempt) but I agree that the focus/point of view is on the wrong things here. You're describing the train rather than getting the reader inside Cass's head. I agree with the previous critiquer who said that this is more like an atmospheric film opening than a novel. For a novel I want to know what Cass is thinking and feeling, not just what she's seeing but all I've got is details about the train. As a reader, I know what a train looks like. However, I don't know who Cass is or what she's thinking, or why she's in the middle of the rails. This is what will potentially draw me in much better.

 

[neandermagnon]

Character-driven near-future SF

John Henry Hill loved the fields before him. Soft grey-brown soil was upturned in neat rows stretching into the distance, rising and falling evenly like an earthen ocean frozen in time. They were his family’s fields.

The name John Henry completely distracted me because it made me think of a song called John Henry that my dad used to sing when I was a kid, and I just went and looked it up and I found information about the song and the folk hero John Henry. If the name choice is a nod to this, that's great. Even if it's not, I think it vibes well with a character who loves his family's farm as it gives a feeling of rural America in the past. If you hadn't said it was near future, I wouldn't have thought it was (the cover/blurb would tell me the genre, so that's not a problem) and that gives a really great sense of this being frozen in time, which meshes with your description of the fields.

The story's not happening yet, but that's not an issue as these three lines are very smooth and don't feel like three sentences (I actually had to go back and count them to confirm that there definitely were three sentences - it feels like just one or two) and you convey the right atmosphere/sense of home and connection to the past that I'm drawn in by that alone. I'd read on to find out more about this near future world.

 

[Spukug]

The name John Henry completely distracted me because it made me think of a song called John Henry that my dad used to sing when I was a kid, and I just went and looked it up and I found information about the song and the folk hero John Henry. If the name choice is a nod to this, that's great. Even if it's not, I think it vibes well with a character who loves his family's farm as it gives a feeling of rural America in the past. If you hadn't said it was near future, I wouldn't have thought it was (the cover/blurb would tell me the genre, so that's not a problem) and that gives a really great sense of this being frozen in time, which meshes with your description of the fields.

The story's not happening yet, but that's not an issue as these three lines are very smooth and don't feel like three sentences (I actually had to go back and count them to confirm that there definitely were three sentences - it feels like just one or two) and you convey the right atmosphere/sense of home and connection to the past that I'm drawn in by that alone. I'd read on to find out more about this near future world.

Thank you for you time, neandermagon!

This novel is 100% inspired by the American folk hero John Henry. (He was always my favorite growing up, and obviously still is today.) Man v. Machine. Man v. Advancing Technology.

The legend itself is weaved throughout my story, with plenty of other elements to make sure prior knowledge is not required.

You are the first to mention the connection (even amongst my alpha readers).
Your observation makes me more happy than any of your other wonderful comments!
A bonus to you!

(I added the near-future SF tag because the opening feels rural for the first five-six sentences.)

Thank You Again!

--Spukug--

 

[adinaluca]

Hello adinaluca!
Thanks for sharing!

Overall I like what's going on, and I would read more from these sentences.

There is some crossover in the first two sentences you might be able to clear up.
I think you can merge them and (maybe) get the same effect.

Something like:
Alpha's eyes zoom in on the links between two (giant/former) islands now (part of/ connected to/ incorporated into the) the Western coast of Eurasia.

The bold is the simplest way I can think of to say it. The normal text are some options to mull over depending on what you're going for.
(The 'now' might be necessary. It was hard to decide.)


These 29 words could be reduced to one sentence of 15 words.

It allows you to rearrange the SECOND sentence a bit to put the focus on Alpha.
(Where I'm assuming you want it to be. It's where I want it to be, at least.)

As it stands, the THIRD sentence didn't add any new information for me.
(Not saying I'd cut it; it depends on what comes after it.)

Best of Luck!

--Spukug--

Thank you, good idea, the paragraph was long and windy.