[PLEASE READ FIRST POST] Post the First Three Sentences of your Novel

[rservello]

Uh... we just had a major derail get split off. Dream openings are right up there with waking up openings on the list of openings to avoid, unless you know why and are intentionally doing something very clever.

Not saying you can't open a novel with a dream, just that there needs to be a very good reason for it and you need to be spot on in your execution.

It's kind of complicated tho, the story centers around dreams/reality. So it's not a trope, it's a mechanic of the overall story. In the end, it's not actually a dream too. But we don't know that right away

 

[JoeySL]

Raymond Irvine Pierce, confused and alone, stands on an empty street in the middle of the night, his eyes, adjusting to the grim darkness, attempt to take in a little more light. Large spruce trees line the road to his left as he walks the empty street. The air is damp and smells of ozone after a fresh rain.

My initial impression was that of stage directions. You're telling the reader what you envision, but I don't feel it (yet).

My second thought was it reminds me of Haruki Murakami's style in Afterdark. I struggled with it at first, but really enjoyed the book once I accepted it. So, you might be onto something here. Of course, Murakami knows his stuff, and it's definitely not easy to pull off for a beginner. Which shouldn't keep you from trying, though.

 

[rservello]

My initial impression was that of stage directions. You're telling the reader what you envision, but I don't feel it (yet).

My second thought was it reminds me of Haruki Murakami's style in Afterdark. I struggled with it at first, but really enjoyed the book once I accepted it. So, you might be onto something here. Of course, Murakami knows his stuff, and it's definitely not easy to pull off for a beginner. Which shouldn't keep you from trying, though.

He is one of my favorite authors. Could be an influence. Not to say I am ANY WHERE NEAR his level. That man is a genius. I'm literally less than nothing. LOL

I recently read The Bee Sting and thought I wouldn't be able to deal with the way it was written, especially Imelda's sections. But OMG, after I got into it I couldn't put it down.

 

[Nether]

I've worked in visual creative for decades, so I'm not afraid of criticism. Here are the first three sentences from the novel I just completed:

Raymond Irvine Pierce, confused and alone, stands on an empty street in the middle of the night, his eyes, adjusting to the grim darkness, attempt to take in a little more light. Large spruce trees line the road to his left as he walks the empty street. The air is damp and smells of ozone after a fresh rain.

My first impression is that the selection isn't terribly engaging. I'm guessing you were trying to go for a cinematic opening (which is generally a polarizing -- if not poor -- choice in a book), but the "confused" left me... well, confused.

Beyond that, you say "alone" once and "empty street twice" -- remind me, how many people were there again?

The description in the third sentence is also rather clunky. In general, I feel like the descriptions aren't really incorporated into the narrative.

Personally, I've never been a fan of trying to work a person's full name into the first sentence. If his last name was relevant, it should come up where it's relevant... and I'm not sure when the middle name might prove relevant.

Overall, I feel like the selection needs a lot of work.

 

[Nether]

And as a bonus, here's the first three sentences from a novel I've just started writing (about 8k words so far). This is first draft, so it will likely change.

Fireworks pop in the distance and laughter can be heard over the traffic on New Years Eve. Cars slowly move along the intersection as Jimmy Caulfield waits for light to change. Impatient, he runs out into the crosswalk as cars buzz passed.

Again, I'm not a fan of introducing a character by their *full name, unless the character is literally doing a spoken introduction for effect. It just sounds really clunky and forced.

Beyond that, you'd given us a sample so fresh you seemingly haven't even proofread it (ie, "waits for light").

On top of that, the prose needs a lot of work and some of the descriptions are clearly incongruent. Buzzing suggests fast movement but you literally just established they're moving slowly, for example. And the fact you can hear laughter over fireworks and traffic seems odd, unless your MC is near laughing people.

Overall, it doesn't establish a compelling scene, although at least Jimmy is doing more than the previous MC. Plus, the overarching vibe I get is is that your POV is detached from what's happening around him, which seems like an issue.

 

[mccardey]

Raymond Irvine Pierce, confused and alone, stands on an empty street in the middle of the night, his eyes, adjusting to the grim darkness, attempt to take in a little more light. Large spruce trees line the road to his left as he walks the empty street. The air is damp and smells of ozone after a fresh rain.

Did you - did you possibly try to outwit us by turning the first two sentences into one sentence and then forget the appropriate punctuation? (It's been tried before... )

Others have said that this sounds much more like stage direction than the opening to a novel - I'd agree with that. Stage direction is never a bad place to begin when you're in the early days of a first draft - it gets you started, at least. But you'll need something more reader-friendly for later drafts, I think.

I also agree with @Nether about the three-name intro. Unless there's a payoff with the RIP initials, I think giving that much real estate to the name of a character we don't know who is doing literally nothing on a street we really shouldn't be able to see is going to be unbalancing. And if there is going to be an RIP payoff, I think you're signalling it a bit too energetically by screaming it into such a vacuum..

 

[Bitterboots]

I liked the opening of the first line:
Raymond Irvine Pierce, confused and alone, stands on an empty street in the middle of the night.

I find three names gives an impression of a man who usually has it all together. I'm interested why he's confused and alone in the dark. But then the rest falls flat.

But you'll get lots of great advice here so look forward to reading what else you come up with.

 

[Unimportant]

-

Mod hat on: We do not delete our posts simply because we don't like the feedback we received. Or for reasons of petulance, disrupting thread flow, harming the community, or anything else.

@rservello will be taking a short break from this thread. Carry on, people.
/modhat

Who's got a new three sentences? Don't make me inflict my craptastic prose on y'all....c'mon, somebody's got a novel opening, surely....! Go for it!

 

[neandermagnon]

(this is a rework of one I posted a while back)

Rover 14.88
The setting sun on Mars makes the sky look freakishly blue. It reminds me of Bournemouth beach. I’ve no idea why, seeing as I’ve been stuck on this godforsaken planet ever since I was switched on, and it looks nothing like any Earth sky I’ve seen pictures of.

 

[Nether]

(this is a rework of one I posted a while back)

Rover 14.88
The setting sun on Mars makes the sky look freakishly blue. It reminds me of Bournemouth beach. I’ve no idea why, seeing as I’ve been stuck on this godforsaken planet ever since I was switched on, and it looks nothing like any Earth sky I’ve seen pictures of.

I'm not sure I like the prose, but it's instantly hooky. I'll probably check out the opening pages whenever you post them to SYW.

 

[Unimportant]

(this is a rework of one I posted a while back)

Rover 14.88
The setting sun on Mars makes the sky look freakishly blue. It reminds me of Bournemouth beach. I’ve no idea why, seeing as I’ve been stuck on this godforsaken planet ever since I was switched on, and it looks nothing like any Earth sky I’ve seen pictures of.

I'd probably cut the last phrase, because I found it confusing, but the 'switched on' definitely snagged me.

 

[Janine R]

(this is a rework of one I posted a while back)

Rover 14.88
The setting sun on Mars makes the sky look freakishly blue. It reminds me of Bournemouth beach. I’ve no idea why, seeing as I’ve been stuck on this godforsaken planet ever since I was switched on, and it looks nothing like any Earth sky I’ve seen pictures of.

I agree with ending it after “switched on”. Great hook.

 

[Nastya]

She was supposed to be dead, not Viktor. She, in her little concrete apartment block, two miles away from the spot of dear, sweet Viktor’s demise, was somehow still alive. And she loathed herself for that.

 

[Nether]

She was supposed to be dead, not Viktor. She, in her little concrete apartment block, two miles away from the spot of dear, sweet Viktor’s demise, was somehow still alive. And she loathed herself for that.

As a general rule, I prefer names to pronouns when introducing a MC. However, this *almost* feels like a good exception (or maybe mostly feels like one? idk).

The first sentence is strong, instantly attention-grabbing.

The second sentence is a bit twisted and convoluted, losing a lot of the energy between it crams in a lot of details, uses two terms of endearment (which is overkill), and "demise" feels weak. I also dislike that Viktor was mentioned by name in the second sentence, especially because it makes the attempt to allude to his connection to the MC feel weaker.

Third sentence is fine.

As an intro, my first thought was that I felt like it's been done many times before. However, the presentation is still sufficiently hook-y that I would likely want to keep reading if there was more content right after (although I'd still be a bit on the fence).

 

[Nastya]

As a general rule, I prefer names to pronouns when introducing a MC. However, this *almost* feels like a good exception (or maybe mostly feels like one? idk).

The first sentence is strong, instantly attention-grabbing.

The second sentence is a bit twisted and convoluted, losing a lot of the energy between it crams in a lot of details, uses two terms of endearment (which is overkill), and "demise" feels weak. I also dislike that Viktor was mentioned by name in the second sentence, especially because it makes the attempt to allude to his connection to the MC feel weaker.

Third sentence is fine.

As an intro, my first thought was that I felt like it's been done many times before. However, the presentation is still sufficiently hook-y that I would likely want to keep reading if there was more content right after (although I'd still be a bit on the fence).

This is great advice, thanks! This is probably one of my least favorite hooks I’ve ever written, (mostly because of the context I was writing this for) but I’m open to suggestions.

 

[neandermagnon]

Thanks all for your comments about my opening. After consideration, I agree with you and have axed the final clause of sentence 3. It was just my tendency to over-explain things and it was clunking up the sentence.

She was supposed to be dead, not Viktor. She, in her little concrete apartment block, two miles away from the spot of dear, sweet Viktor’s demise, was somehow still alive. And she loathed herself for that.

I like this and I'd read on to find out more - what happened to Viktor, who Viktor is in relation to the MC and also what's going to happen next. Very intriguing.

I agree with Nether about the pronouns - I think this one is an exception because it reads like I'm right inside her head and seeing her thoughts. I would need to know her name pretty soon though.

 

[Nastya]

I like this and I'd read on to find out more - what happened to Viktor, who Viktor is in relation to the MC and also what's going to happen next. Very intriguing.

I agree with Nether about the pronouns - I think this one is an exception because it reads like I'm right inside her head and seeing her thoughts. I would need to know her name pretty soon though.

Nice! The story is from first-person perspective, which is why I did pronouns instead of her name. (which is Karolina) The reader is informed of her name shortly thereafter, when she is called to the other room.

 

[Unimportant]

Nice! The story is from first-person perspective, which is why I did pronouns instead of her name. (which is Karolina)

Would you be willing to expand on that explanation? Sorry, but I'm quite confused (might just be that it's morning for me and I've not yet had a second cup of coffee.)

If it's first person, would it not be written using the first person pronoun rather than the third person pronoun? (i.e. I was supposed to be dead, not Viktor. I, in my little concrete apartment block, two miles away from the spot of dear, sweet Viktor’s demise, was somehow still alive. And I loathed myself for that. ) Or is there a first person narrator, a third character, who is somehow watching from a distance the "she" who survived and who is unhappy?

 

[Nastya]

Would you be willing to expand on that explanation? Sorry, but I'm quite confused (might just be that it's morning for me and I've not yet had a second cup of coffee.)

If it's first person, would it not be written using the first person pronoun rather than the third person pronoun? (i.e. I was supposed to be dead, not Viktor. I, in my little concrete apartment block, two miles away from the spot of dear, sweet Viktor’s demise, was somehow still alive. And I loathed myself for that. ) Or is there a first person narrator, a third character, who is somehow watching from a distance the "she" who survived and who is unhappy?

You’re right
I’m so sorry I’m exhausted

 

[Unimportant]

You’re right
I’m so sorry I’m exhausted

No worries! I just wanted to make sure we weren't talking circles round each other

I'd quite like this piece in first person, I think!

 

[JudiH]

This is my first post here. Be kind, please.

The October woods burned orange, gold, and scarlet beneath a brilliant blue sky, good weather for the day's work. Raithe Greentree had spent the early part of the day wandering along brooks and strolling through meadows in the warm sun, gathering plants she could not grow in her own garden to prepare ointments and elixirs for the people in the nearby village. Now she was ready to enter the wood to search for mushrooms and plants that preferred the damp leafy shadows.

 

[CMBright]

This is my first post here. Be kind, please.

The October woods burned orange, gold, and scarlet beneath a brilliant blue sky, good weather for the day's work. Raithe Greentree had spent the early part of the day wandering along brooks and strolling through meadows in the warm sun, gathering plants she could not grow in her own garden to prepare ointments and elixirs for the people in the nearby village. Now she was ready to enter the wood to search for mushrooms and plants that preferred the damp leafy shadows.

The positive is that I really like the imagery.

The negative is that I don't get much of a sense of Raithe herself, her world or era or the genre of the novel. Unless the forest is the danger, I'm not seeing conflict yet. I don't necessarily need to see it in the first sentences or first paragraph, but I expect to see conflict soonish.

The positive is the cover, title and blurb on the dust jacket or back would let readers know the genre and the rest I'm willing to find out in the first few pages to the end of the chapter. Overall, I'd probably keep reading at least to the end of the chapter.

 

[Lime-Yay]

This is my first post here. Be kind, please.

The October woods burned orange, gold, and scarlet beneath a brilliant blue sky, good weather for the day's work. Raithe Greentree had spent the early part of the day wandering along brooks and strolling through meadows in the warm sun, gathering plants she could not grow in her own garden to prepare ointments and elixirs for the people in the nearby village. Now she was ready to enter the wood to search for mushrooms and plants that preferred the damp leafy shadows.

1. Raithe is a brilliant name. Is it like wraith?
2. This feels very lush and cozy. Strong imagery.

I get the sense that Raithe is kind of a wispy waif whose best friend is a unicorn. The gentle sort of unicorn that drinks dewdrops from leaves with a mischievous pink tongue. That makes me happy. My second sense is that Raithe doesn’t feel powerful but she’s braver and more scrappy than she gives herself credit for, like a hobbit.

Is that the kind of book and imagery you are looking to present? A cozy and sweet fantasy? If yes, that is a win. If Raithe is an assassin by night who doesn’t have a best friend and is a skeptic of happy magical things, then maybe you hit the wrong tone.

Personally I like to start out by pulling out my character’s eyelashes, so you can get to know them in a laidback (not, lol) environment. But if you’re going for cozy magic, you have it, and I don’t think you necessarily need the main character to be focal point of the first three sentences if you’re going cozy vs punchy.

I do feel like the sentences are long, and I say that with full awareness that I just took three paragraphs to essentially make the same point three times. Each sentence individually is good, but together it looks like a block of text. I think some people might like getting absorbed into the text like a blanket, but I think a lot of readers’ eyes glaze over. Either that or I’m projecting my own reading comprehension problems onto the masses, you get to decide.

 

[Jazz Club]

This is my first post here. Be kind, please.

The October woods burned orange, gold, and scarlet beneath a brilliant blue sky, good weather for the day's work. Raithe Greentree had spent the early part of the day wandering along brooks and strolling through meadows in the warm sun, gathering plants she could not grow in her own garden to prepare ointments and elixirs for the people in the nearby village. Now she was ready to enter the wood to search for mushrooms and plants that preferred the damp leafy shadows.

Love the first sentence, vivid splashes of colour, atmosphere, etc. The second is a little long and unwieldy for my taste. But I like how you segue from the bright sunlit day into the damp leafy shadows in the third sentence. So for me, if you trimmed the second sentence so the reader doesn't get so lost in it, this opening would work well.

One other point of slight concern is that I don't get any sense at all of Raithe's emotional state here. I can't tell if this is a totally normal day and this is something she's done a thousand times, or if she needs to gather these mushrooms with some urgency, or what. Probably not a huge issue as it's only the first three sentences, but I'd like to see some hint of where we're going with this gathering expedition quite soon if I were reading on.

Well done for posting, hope you get some useful advice

 

[Unimportant]

Woohoo, @JudiH found her courage! In my official role as Wizard of Oz Moderator, I shall now award her with this for bravery.

Also, I really like those three sentences. It's a voice I'd happily read more of.