Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP!

[bulldoggerel]

Chilling. I love that 'her children' comes last, makes it really effective.



Really effective hook

Thanks. Chilling was what I was looking for. This is a fiction based on a true French and Indian War incident, and given the particulars of the incident it is based on, I can't imagine any mother not doing the same. Thanks for giving me your opinion.

 

[northtosouth]

It felt odd, killing her, like it was wrong somehow. It wasn’t, of course, but it felt that way...maybe because this time, it was too quick, too easy. I’d poured a glass of wine for myself before I left and was back in just enough time to have let it breathe.

I like this, but watch your sentence styles - the first two are very similar. Maybe you can shorten one?

 

[Likklebex]

Ok i have changed it slightly.... here goes....

My heart was racing; faster than I believed was even possible. “Pull yourself together, Alex.” Hesitantly, and with unimaginable fear, I cast my eyes down.

Can someone have a scan at mine and tell what they think now i have take on on suggestions from others please?

Thanks!

 

[KyraDune]

I have five WIPs, so I guess it's okay to post from all five of them?

1: The sun beat down without mercy over the desert land of Dusk, drawing shadows long upon the ground. Wind blew incessantly from the east, stirring the reddish sand even as high up into the air as the gryphons flew. Carlan drew his hood lower to hide his face, though sweat was already dripping down his cheeks and his clothes clung wetly to his body.

2: The Hall Of Green Light stood in the center of Harmony Forest, high up near the canopy of the trees. On a sunny day, such as this, its emerald glass cast a greenish glow over all of Arrondale. People strolled the plank sideways below, going about their business with hardly a second thought given to the light or its source, for they had grown up beneath it.

3: Dagen leaned back against the rough canvas side of the wagon and gazed out at the rolling meadowland falling away behind them. The sun was setting, turning the sky a pale blue and painting the scant clouds in shades of pink. They'd be stopping soon to make camp, which was good because even though he'd spent most of the day in the back of the wagon, it was impossible to get any real rest what with all the bouncing and he was exhausted.

4: The ballroom was filled with flowers from the castle gardens, filling the air with their sweet perfume. At the far end of the room stood a podium draped in white. A heavy tome lay open upon this podium.

5: The digital clock read six fifteen when Angel rolled out of bed. She grabbed the pistol lying next to the clock and stood there in a tanktop and panties, listening to the sounds of the house around her. Once she was sure there wasn't a sound out of place, she stepped through the open door and into the hall.

 

[Pinguicha]

[FONT=&quot]Late at night, Audrey sat by the window and looked up at the starry night sky. God, she wished her life was different. She wished she wasn’t just average at everything.

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Teen being a teen. Yup. Too bad she doesn't know she's half-demon yet.
[/FONT]

 

[Write_At_1st_Light]

Bonnie Kim racks up a halfway decent score on the Good Goddard Driver Assessment, which means she hasn’t run over anyone or rammed an immovable object as far as I knew. Speedier than I prefer but she’d earned her wheels in LA. Surface streets and freeways in Southern California are so choked with rolling metal that when an opening materializes, you zip ahead - or a lane over - or backwards into a parking spot and sort out the road rage later.

First novel done, this is the second in the series. We know these folks rather well.

 

[WriteMinded]

It felt odd, killing her, like it was wrong somehow. It wasn’t, of course, but it felt that way...maybe because this time, it was too quick, too easy. I’d poured a glass of wine for myself before I left and was back in just enough time to have let it breathe.

Opener for a WIP I just started, not listed in siggy ^_^

I like this but IMHO, you don't need that bit I crossed out. You said it all in the first sentence. Or, the second sentence could begin: Maybe it felt that way because . . .

"this time" makes it sound like you've killed her before. However, maybe that's what you meant.

 

[Likklebex]

[FONT=&quot]Late at night, Audrey sat by the window and looked up at the starry night sky. God, she wished her life was different. She wished she wasn’t just average at everything.

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Teen being a teen. Yup. Too bad she doesn't know she's half-demon yet.
[/FONT]

I might be inclined to remove 'Last night' ... just a thought x

 

[Julie Ambrose]

Can someone have a scan at mine and tell what they think now i have take on on suggestions from others please?

Thanks!

Three sentences in question [copied by Julie]:

My heart was racing; faster than I believed was even possible. “Pull yourself together, Alex.” Hesitantly, and with unimaginable fear, I cast my eyes down.

Hi Likklebex,

I like this a little better, except that for me the italics were meant to replace the inverted commas (not add to them).

However, having thought about it some more, I feel perhaps the main problem I have with the paragraph isn't its wording (though a writer should perhaps never rest on 'unimaginable') but that all three sentences describe the same emotion without giving a clue as to its source. All three sentences dwell on fear; I want a tiny hint as to what that fear is about (it can be just a little thing, nothing too overt).

I know that when I sometimes try to correct a paragraph based on someone else's input, I get in a bit of a knot. Don't be too quick to change something; always go with your own gut feel. You're the writer.

best wishes
Julie

 

[garviegirl]

My sister was dying.

Her little frail body was wrapped in the old white dress that used to be mine, and her chest rose and fell as she took her last breaths.

I lay next to her on our bed, holding her pale hand and watching her breathe.

 

[Julie Ambrose]

My sister was dying.

Her little frail body was wrapped in the old white dress that used to be mine, and her chest rose and fell as she took her last breaths.

I lay next to her on our bed, holding her pale hand and watching her breathe.

Lovely.

I would literally only change the last word. For me, 'watching her breathe' suggests that the breathing continues when you've already said 'last breaths'. I'd suggest something that indicates slowing.

But this is powerful stuff.

cheers
Julie

 

[Julie Ambrose]

I have five WIPs, so I guess it's okay to post from all five of them?

1: The sun beat down without mercy over the desert land of Dusk, drawing shadows long upon the ground. Wind blew incessantly from the east, stirring the reddish sand even as high up into the air as the gryphons flew. Carlan drew his hood lower to hide his face, though sweat was already dripping down his cheeks and his clothes clung wetly to his body.

2: The Hall Of Green Light stood in the center of Harmony Forest, high up near the canopy of the trees. On a sunny day, such as this, its emerald glass cast a greenish glow over all of Arrondale. People strolled the plank sideways below, going about their business with hardly a second thought given to the light or its source, for they had grown up beneath it.

3: Dagen leaned back against the rough canvas side of the wagon and gazed out at the rolling meadowland falling away behind them. The sun was setting, turning the sky a pale blue and painting the scant clouds in shades of pink. They'd be stopping soon to make camp, which was good because even though he'd spent most of the day in the back of the wagon, it was impossible to get any real rest what with all the bouncing and he was exhausted.

4: The ballroom was filled with flowers from the castle gardens, filling the air with their sweet perfume. At the far end of the room stood a podium draped in white. A heavy tome lay open upon this podium.

5: The digital clock read six fifteen when Angel rolled out of bed. She grabbed the pistol lying next to the clock and stood there in a tanktop and panties, listening to the sounds of the house around her. Once she was sure there wasn't a sound out of place, she stepped through the open door and into the hall.

Hi KyraDune,

that's a lot to digest, and I don't know if I can do it all justice in one go, so I'll just say that perhaps a little more variation in sentence lengths and rhythm would benefit the first three starts. The third felt slightly cluttered in its final sentence; then again I'm not a big reader of epic fantasy, so wait for an ideal reader to give their impression before you change something.

The last two I liked better; the final one most of all (I think because the first sentence conveys action, place and character so effectively). Well done.

cheers
Julie

 

[taichiquan.panda]

It's 6 sentences...hope that's ok? Part of the creation myth for my WIP:

The old ones say that long ago, when the world was very young, Deus made green Earth and blue Sky. To Earth He gave lush, fertile soil, water, and all the plants and animals as a symbol of His great love. To Sky He gave Moon and Sun, and when they saw how beautiful Sky was, they promised Deus to always love each other and stay with Sky forever. As a symbol of His great love, He allowed Moon and Sun to lie together, and they brought forth Stars and Clouds, making Sky more beautiful than before. When Deus saw how magnificent His creations were, He smiled many ribbons of color that bound them all together. Earth and Sky, Moon and Sun, Clouds and Stars were very happy, because they knew Deus loved them greatly, and they all lived together in harmony for many lifetimes.

 

[CaPooF]

I'll have a go at this:

I must look like a complete dork when I’m dancing, but I don’t care. It’s an ecstatic experience, like drugs, but without the bad side effects. I go all out, sweating, swaying, closing my eyes and just feeling it, and it takes me into a completely altered state of consciousness—which is probably why I saw his true form when he showed up at the club.

 

[Quentin Nokov]

It's 6 sentences...hope that's ok? Part of the creation myth for my WIP:

The old ones say that long ago, when the world was very young, Deus made green Earth and blue Sky. To Earth He gave lush, fertile soil, water, and all the plants and animals as a symbol of His great love. To Sky He gave Moon and Sun, and when they saw how beautiful Sky was, they promised Deus to always love each other and stay with Sky forever. As a symbol of His great love, He allowed Moon and Sun to lie together, and they brought forth Stars and Clouds, making Sky more beautiful than before. When Deus saw how magnificent His creations were, He smiled many ribbons of color that bound them all together. Earth and Sky, Moon and Sun, Clouds and Stars were very happy, because they knew Deus loved them greatly, and they all lived together in harmony for many lifetimes.

This was actually too clunky for my taste. The repetition of Sky got a little overbearing. It was mentioned 6x, so basically once every sentence. It could probably be worked into a shorter, more concise opening.

 

[Julie Ambrose]

I'll have a go at this:

I must look like a complete dork when I’m dancing, but I don’t care. It’s an ecstatic experience, like drugs, but without the bad side effects. I go all out, sweating, swaying, closing my eyes and just feeling it, and it takes me into a completely altered state of consciousness—which is probably why I saw his true form when he showed up at the club.

Really finely written, C.P. Foster, but I felt you might shorten (and sharpen) the part after the dash. We know this is probably a nightclub so I'm not sure you need 'when he showed up at the club'. Maybe just 'when he turned up'? I'd also suggest giving the 'he/him' a name to make it more specific (specificity helps avoid genre clichés).

It's lovely overall. Don't mind my quibbles; they're tiny.

Julie

 

[CaPooF]

Thanks, Julie! I originally had the last sentence broken into two (with a period instead of a dash). Maybe I'll go back to that.

Re: the name, the protagonist doesn't know who "he" is right away, and I want the reader to figure it out along with her. Thanks for the comments!

Paige

 

[taichiquan.panda]

This was actually too clunky for my taste. The repetition of Sky got a little overbearing. It was mentioned 6x, so basically once every sentence. It could probably be worked into a shorter, more concise opening.

Thanks. It didn't flow as smoothly as I wished, still re-writing and revising. Nice to have another pair of eyes.

 

[Fanatic_Dreamer]

From my novel, The Descending Darkness:

The rising smoke and roaring flames could be seen miles away from the small village. The smell of burnt flesh filled the air like a thick mist, choking anyone imprudent enough to come close. Less than an hour previously; loud screams resonated through the air; the meaty sound of necks snapping following soon after.

 

[LeighM]

This is from my YA Fantasy WIP.

Never trust a troll living in a drain pipe.
My father's advice had never made any sense. Trolls brought to mind lumbering giants with clubs, who bashed in children’s skulls like an after dinner game. Not dwarf-sized creatures living in wet, fetid pipes underneath suburban homes.

 

[LeighM]

Quote:
The rising smoke and roaring flames could be seen miles away from the small village. The smell of burnt flesh filled the air like a thick mist, choking anyone imprudent enough to come close. Less than an hour previously; loud screams resonated through the air; the meaty sound of necks snapping following soon after.

I like this, but I feel like the last sentence breaks up the flow. I'm curious what's happening and would read more!

 

[garviegirl]

Lovely.

I would literally only change the last word. For me, 'watching her breathe' suggests that the breathing continues when you've already said 'last breaths'. I'd suggest something that indicates slowing.

But this is powerful stuff.

cheers
Julie

Thank you very much! I never considered that, but it is a good point. I'll try to think of something else!

 

[WriteMinded]

I'll have a go at this:

I must look like a complete dork when I’m dancing, but I don’t care. It’s an ecstatic experience, like drugs, but without the bad side effects. I go all out, sweating, swaying, closing my eyes and just feeling it, and it takes me into a completely altered state of consciousness—which is probably why I saw his true form when he showed up at the club.

Very nice. Very grabby. I would split the third sentence into two so it would read: I go all out, sweating, swaying, closing my eyes and just feeling it. It takes me into blah, blah.

But hey, that's just me. It's probably fine like it is.

 

[Sargentodiaz]

From my novel, The Descending Darkness:

The rising smoke and roaring flames could be seen miles away from the small village. The smell of burnt flesh filled the air like a thick mist, choking anyone imprudent enough to come close. Less than an hour previously; loud screams resonated through the air; the meaty sound of necks snapping following soon after.

This draws a reader into the story just fine. But, it could be refined to have an even stronger impact. Make it less impersonal and show the horrible impact on a character.

S/he see the smoke a flame from a mile away. As s/he draws nearer, the smell of burn flesh [find a strong verb] lungs and s/he bends over, choking. Bloody corpses speak of xxx . Ravens/vultures/or whatever scream and fight for the bloody flesh.

See what I mean? Make it personal and SHOW US what the character sees/smells, etc.

 

[Nekko]

This is from my YA Fantasy WIP.
Never trust a troll living in a drain pipe.
My father's advice had never made any sense. Trolls brought to mind lumbering giants with clubs, who bashed in children’s skulls like an after dinner game. Not dwarf-sized creatures living in wet, fetid pipes underneath suburban homes.

Nice. As a reader I'm anticipating that I am going to find out her father was right very shortly!

Interesting that 'trolls' bring two images to mind for me. Different authors have planted those there, but as long as the story 'works' for me, then I go with their image. Now I have to add trolls who live in drain pipes in suburbia!