Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP!

[BethS]

[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]Dusk was falling,[/FONT] The last light of day quickly retreated under heavy storm clouds. What had been only a drizzle no comma was now a downpour, rain beating through the boughs overhead to drench the forest floor.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Damn,” cursed the lone traveler, pulling his cloak tighter.

[/FONT]

You had four sentences, so I'm only looking at the first three.

There's a tendency to repeat information, as you can see by my suggested edits.

The first two sentences appear to be the personal observations of a POV character, but the third sentence makes a shift to omniscient POV, which was pretty jarring. Choose one or the other.

 

[PandaMan]

Beyond the rubble and lost lives mangled with machines and torn by weapons of war, Ophelia stands at the edge of the battlefield. It's a nice breeze today, blowing the acrid, black smoke of war to left of us occasionally blotting out the warm autumn sun and the bright-blue of the afternoon sky. I know she hears my approach as easily as I hear her breathing and calm heartbeat.

Except for the abrupt change in POV I like the last sentence a lot. The first two are rather awkward for reasons already discussed.

Thanks for posting Tettsuo.

 

[PandaMan]

The house lights were bright enough that he could take notes out in the yard without a torch. The moon was nearing on full. It sat in the sky like an omen and was no doubt playing havoc with Little Jim.

FWIW, when I read the third sentence I didn't make the werewolf connection either.

I understood the first two sentences but only because I've traveled abroad a lot and am somewhat familiar with how other English speakers talk. I think most Americans wouldn't be familiar with that though. It's something to keep in mind when writing for a world-wide audience.

 

[Tettsuo]

Except for the abrupt change in POV I like the last sentence a lot. The first two are rather awkward for reasons already discussed.

Thanks for posting Tettsuo.

This is choked with adjectives, making it a chore to read. It needs streamlining. Also, some of the wording is off. "Mangled with" should be "mangled by." "It's a nice breeze" should be "There's a nice breeze."

Finally, the introduction of the first-person POV was jarring, because I thought the POV was Ophelia's.

Thanks for the advice guys. I always have a tough time in the beginning, struggling to get my feet under me, so to speak.

 

[Russ Mars]

FWIW, when I read the third sentence I didn't make the werewolf connection either.

Ha! Let me settle this once and for all. I made NO werewolf connection when I read it. My initial comment and point was simply that I found nothing odd or unclear about what the line suggested, that Little Jimmy was affected in some way by the full moon. My mention of werewolves was only to highlight, to the reader who found the notion odd, that literature is filled with stories in which the moon affects human behavior, and that belief isn't limited to the paranormal or literary world. It's also something that many people, in reality, believe.

 

[EdgeOfDark]

From Chapter 1 - Paradox Lost

Hello, everyone. Here's an opening for you to dissect, please!
_____________

Nathaniel tried to open his eyes, but the world spun in a sickening whirl of light and darkness. His breath hissed past clenched teeth, and the cacophony in his head was as loud as a crashing locomotive.

By the Powers, why does it hurt so much?

 

[PandaMan]

Hello, everyone. Here's an opening for you to dissect, please!
_____________

Nathaniel tried to open his eyes, but the world spun in a sickening whirl of light and darkness. His breath hissed past clenched teeth, and the cacophony in his head was as loud as a crashing locomotive.

By the Powers, why does it hurt so much?

Thanks for posting EdgeOfDark.

I'm not feeling anything for Nathaniel here. I think you need something concrete to bring the reader into his world. A whirl of light and darkness is vague. IMO, more context would help this opening.

The alliteration in the second sentence is too heavy handed for my taste. It sounds like a case of over writing to me.

 

[BethS]

Hello, everyone. Here's an opening for you to dissect, please!
_____________

Nathaniel tried to open his eyes, but the world spun in a sickening whirl of light and darkness. His breath hissed past clenched teeth, and the cacophony in his head was as loud as a crashing locomotive.

By the Powers, why does it hurt so much?

With that much chaos in his head, I'm surprised he can form a coherent thought.

There are places and uses for this much sensory description, but the opening sentences may not be it. This is all reaction, but what's the stimulus?

 

[EdgeOfDark]

WTH?

With that much chaos in his head, I'm surprised he can form a coherent thought.

There are places and uses for this much sensory description, but the opening sentences may not be it. This is all reaction, but what's the stimulus?

Thanks for the crit, BethS ^_^

Hmmm ... There really is an art to this, isn't it?

I'm not really sure how to proceed, BethS. The I've never seen a three sentence challenge ANYWHERE but here, and it's making me think, and that's a good thing.

When I pick up a book in the store, If it doesn't grab me in the first couple of paragraphs, I'm done with it. But the first three sentences? If that's what it takes to win, I might be a loser for a while. I've never had a good critique from any of my three sentence submissions. I wonder if we might be straining at a gnat.

Anyone out there want to post a teaching and winning example of their first three sentences, one that no one found any fault with?

 

[EdgeOfDark]

Frustrated!

Thanks for posting EdgeOfDark.

I'm not feeling anything for Nathaniel here. I think you need something concrete to bring the reader into his world. A whirl of light and darkness is vague. IMO, more context would help this opening.

The alliteration in the second sentence is too heavy handed for my taste. It sounds like a case of over writing to me.

Thanks, PandaMan!

Now, how can you do this with these three sentences? I've always worked within the constraints of the first paragraph, not the first or second sentences.

Is it very critical?

 

[Russ Mars]

Nirvana's Polly came on the radio today and made me think of this thread.

"Polly wants a cracker.
She'd like me to get off her first.
Maybe she wants some water
To put out the blow torch."

Now THERE'S a hook. Obviously its lyrics and not prose, but the first few lines of that song always get my full attention.

And that has what, exactly, to do with writing novels?

Maybe you were looking for the "Music and Songwriting" forum?

Try here: Music and Songwriting

 

[chickenma]

"The headline screamed in bolded text, Modern day Jack the Ripper!
I thumbed the screen to the next story. The quiet buzz of the coffee shop seemed static charged today: some hint of disaster lingered in the air"

No problems with thumbing past it. What stops me is that a hint of disaster lingering feels like the disaster has already happened.

 

[BethS]

Thanks for the crit, BethS ^_^

Hmmm ... There really is an art to this, isn't it?

I'm not really sure how to proceed, BethS. The I've never seen a three sentence challenge ANYWHERE but here, and it's making me think, and that's a good thing.

When I pick up a book in the store, If it doesn't grab me in the first couple of paragraphs, I'm done with it. But the first three sentences? If that's what it takes to win, I might be a loser for a while. I've never had a good critique from any of my three sentence submissions. I wonder if we might be straining at a gnat.

Anyone out there want to post a teaching and winning example of their first three sentences, one that no one found any fault with?

I think there have been a couple-three of those in this thread. Maybe.

Choosing the first three sentences to look at is entirely arbitrary. There's nothing magic about three. It's just a random but convenient number, chosen by the OP.

That said, from those three sentences there's a lot that can be learned about a writer's ability to form coherent, artful prose and his or her facility with beginning a story. Many openings posted here have proven to be unclear, ambiguous, awkwardly constructed, and focused on details and events that distract and/or don't matter. If the first three need work, chances are the rest needs work, too.

And that's really what makes this thread useful.

 

[Russ Mars]

I wanted to share a three-sentence opener with a great hook, that gives an idea of the characters and the predicament they are in, and uses very few words to do it. I made it clear that it wasn't my work and where it came from. Every time I hear the song, I think about my writing and say to myself "I want to have a hook that good."

I didn't realize that the different format was that big a deal. Sorry if I was out of line.

Never mind that it's not that great of a song, in my opinion, but that's beside the point.

A song hook and one for a novel are two different beasts. For a novel, it would fall flat. Further, it's not even your work. This board is for sharing original work of novels in progress, not everything that we like from other published writers. Hell, we'd never get out of here. There's even a thread in the music section for just such a thing. It's called "What song are you listening to" or something along those lines. Why don't you give that a try?

Maybe those who write lyrics and/or poetry would be more receptive--in those boards.

I'm not the board police or anything, but wouldn't you think the appropriate place would be the forum I referred you to? I mean, if everyone suddenly began posting off topic, this board would be even more chaotic.

And isn't it great that this site has so many options for everyone's writing interests that there's no need to foist yours on us.

Do you walk into the bank and say, "Hey I was just thinking about tacos. What do you have?"

 

[BethS]

I wanted to share a three-sentence opener with a great hook, that gives an idea of the characters and the predicament they are in, and uses very few words to do it. I made it clear that it wasn't my work and where it came from. Every time I hear the song, I think about my writing and say to myself "I want to have a hook that good."

I didn't realize that the different format was that big a deal. Sorry if I was out of line.

I didn't think you were out of line. Thanks for posting that!

 

[chickenma]

The house lights were bright enough that he could take notes out in the yard without a torch. The moon was nearing on full. It sat in the sky like an omen and was no doubt playing havoc with Little Jim.

My own mental picture so far has a flood-lit backyard which doesn't leave much room for the moon to make an impression, especially a lunar glow strong enough to make someone loony. Little Jim sounds like a kid who's trying to sleep in his room? Camp in his backyard? Again, the moon doesn't impact beyond the bright lights. Yet the bright lights are important enough to be your opening line, or is it that he's taking notes? Not very compelling. I've certainly been able to write by moonlight, so I guess my question is, do you need to have the lights on?

The soft glow from the window made the yard feel safe. I took notes by the light of the full moon, which sat in the sky omen-like and was no doubt playing havoc with Little Jim.

 

[Wilde_at_heart]

Thanks for the crit, BethS ^_^

Hmmm ... There really is an art to this, isn't it?

I'm not really sure how to proceed, BethS. The I've never seen a three sentence challenge ANYWHERE but here, and it's making me think, and that's a good thing.

When I pick up a book in the store, If it doesn't grab me in the first couple of paragraphs, I'm done with it. But the first three sentences? If that's what it takes to win, I might be a loser for a while. I've never had a good critique from any of my three sentence submissions. I wonder if we might be straining at a gnat.

Anyone out there want to post a teaching and winning example of their first three sentences, one that no one found any fault with?

I doubt there is anything that no one will find fault with and keep in mind people are in nit-pick mode here. There's a wide range from blargh! wtf was that - is English really your first language?? and 'well, I'm not so sure about this *one word* being used here the way you use it but can't think of a better one either...'

An example of the latter: http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showpost.php?p=8475690&postcount=10000

My last one, one person liked, one was okay with, another went meh, boring!

Here's one BethS liked recently, apart from relatively minor quibbles:

http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showpost.php?p=8487128&postcount=10221

As for proceeding, practice.

Here's an opening I've been dithering about, depending on where I decide to start the story. Right now it's a tentatively ditched chapter.

As Etienne woke her body tingled, electrified and her heartbeat echoed in her ears. She tried to cry out, kick her feet, pound her fist against her headboard, but she couldn’t move.

“Sleep paralysis,” she told herself, “calm down.”​

 

[Drainland]

Would the first sentence work just as well like this?

The house lights were bright enough that he could take notes out in the yard.

Oh my god, I had no idea these sentences would jump off a conversation about everything from werewolves to science.

This has all been very helpful. Thank you.

A few notes:

1. The unnamed character is named two sentences later. I know there's a strong and long school of thought about this but so many of my favourite writers (especially James Sallis) ease into naming their characters and I guess I'm working through a bit of that.

2. It IS supposed to read 'flashlight', seeing it's set in the US. THANKS! Although I think my favourite revision was by @Randy_Lee and does away with that altogether:

The house lights were bright enough that he could take notes out in the yard.

3. I don't think you can take notes in a full moon. It's bright but not that bright.

4. Little Jim is not a werewolf. He's standing out in the yard giving Leo (the MC) a statement. Leo is a cop. Little Jim is a bit of a deadbeat. He's high. In my experience, people who work with the public - especially at night - notice that trouble does seem to brew around the full moon. Science doesn't really come into it. This is how the MC talks/thinks and it's more of a tired observation than something he lives by.

So thorough everyone. I had no idea.

 

[EdgeOfDark]

The Night Eternal

Here's one more!
------------------------------------

Alex couldn’t actually walk Cassie home, she lived too far away, but he could walk her to the east end of Main Street where she always caught a steam taxi to her apartment. They walked hand-in-hand and talked about work, school, and food. Before they knew it, they had arrived at the taxi stand, and Cassie hailed one of the idling, sturdy, paraffin-fueled black coaches.

 

[Russ Mars]

Oh my god, I had no idea these sentences would jump off a conversation about everything from werewolves to science.

This has all been very helpful. Thank you.

A few notes:

1. The unnamed character is named two sentences later. I know there's a strong and long school of thought about this but so many of my favourite writers (especially James Sallis) ease into naming their characters and I guess I'm working through a bit of that.
Na, you're fine. Some folks need to get a grip.

2. It IS supposed to read 'flashlight', seeing it's set in the US. THANKS! Although I think my favourite revision was by @Randy_Lee and does away with that altogether:
Of course "torch" has been and will be used even in the U.S., from British characters. It's been done in successful American literature, tv shows and movies. Some people might consider broadening their horizons. But I agree, Randy handled it quite well.



3. I don't think you can take notes in a full moon. It's bright but not that bright.
Wouldn't be that weird in a pinch. Hey, maybe Little Jim has great night vision.

4. Little Jim is not a werewolf. He's standing out in the yard giving Leo (the MC) a statement. Leo is a cop. Little Jim is a bit of a deadbeat. He's high. In my experience, people who work with the public - especially at night - notice that trouble does seem to brew around the full moon. Science doesn't really come into it. This is how the MC talks/thinks and it's more of a tired observation than something he lives by.
All as I gleaned from my first read, of course except for the things we can't possibly know yet. I think some lean toward insisting the entire story had better hook you and be explained in 3 sentences. Me? I prefer a bit more meat to my fiction.

So thorough everyone. I had no idea.

Thanks! Just a few thoughts above.

 

[PandaMan]

Thanks, PandaMan!

Now, how can you do this with these three sentences? I've always worked within the constraints of the first paragraph, not the first or second sentences.

Is it very critical?

I feel your pain. I'm struggling to write an opening too.

In terms of context, think about who, what, where, when, and why--those types of things. Often just a smidgen of context helps lead a reader into the story.

Three sentences is just an arbitrary number for this thread, but IMO the opening is extremely important to make an impression on the reader. The sooner something interests the reader the better.

There's tons of useful info in this thread, over in the SYW threads, and in the two Uncle Jim threads.

Good luck.

 

[Willow M Stevens]

This is my contribution:
The house lights were bright enough that he could take notes out in the yard without a torch. The moon was nearing on full. It sat in the sky like an omen and was no doubt playing havoc with Little Jim.

FWIW, I liked the "nearing on full" and understood it to be a colloquialism.

Writing by moonlight when it's full is doable (voice of experience)

Knowing now that the POV is a cop, I as a reader would like to know that sooner. Since Little Jim is the only person mentioned, I assumed that he was the one taking the notes. Can you get us inside your MC's head before he mentions the guy he's talking to? Also, I envisioned a young man camping out in his backyard, not a cop taking notes from a stoned suspect. Don't know why, that's just the image that I saw.

FWIW the phrasing of the last sentence was what threw me off and made me go "huh?" --Not b/c I don't understand or agree with the the whole moon/lunacy thing, but because of the way the sentence is currently written, the connection just isn't all that obvious to me. If it were written another way, I might understand what was trying to be said.

 

[amergina]

I'm not the board police or anything, but wouldn't you think the appropriate place would be the forum I referred you to?

No, you're not the board police.

I am.

I mean, if everyone suddenly began posting off topic, this board would be even more chaotic.

When you run across posts you have issues with--tone, content, wrong forum, etc.--kindly click the report post icon. It's the red triangle with the exclamation point in it. State your issue with the post and send it to the board moderators. We'll handle it from there.

Thank you.

 

[Willow M Stevens]

Hello, everyone. Here's an opening for you to dissect, please!
_____________

Nathaniel tried to open his eyes, but the world spun in a sickening whirl of light and darkness. His breath hissed past clenched teeth, and the cacophony in his head was as loud as a crashing locomotive.

By the Powers, why does it hurt so much?

I actually kinda like this. Yeah, not a lot of context, but I'm okay with reading on to find it.

A few minor things:
"whirl of light and darkness," saying both seems redundant, but only saying one doesn't flow. It didn't trip me up, but just felt rather dull and unnecessary.

"locomotive" is just not a term I hear all that much and it made me pause, not in a good way. It did make me wonder what era we were in, and if it is an era where locomotives are often called such, then hey, who am I to complain? But then he references "by the powers" which makes me wonder if we're even on earth.

So, presuming that those two questions are answered in the next couple of lines, I'd keep reading.

 

[Willow M Stevens]

Here's one more!
------------------------------------

Alex couldn’t actually walk Cassie home, she lived too far away, but he could walk her to the east end of Main Street where she always caught a steam taxi to her apartment. They walked hand-in-hand and talked about work, school, and food. Before they knew it, they had arrived at the taxi stand, and Cassie hailed one of the idling, sturdy, paraffin-fueled black coaches.

I can't put my finger on it, but I guess I'm wondering if this is the right place to start the story. Other than what seems to be world-building (steam taxis? paraffin-fueled? unless I'm just stupit and these are real things), there's not a whole lot happening. Just seems kinda ho-hum.

If this is the end of a date, are there any end-of-date jitters? The guy nervous about a good-bye kiss at the taxi? I'd like to get a sense of movement, maybe a deeper view of how the MC feels about the scene that's happening. Or, look at some of your other scenes and see if another starting place might be better.