Sex scenes: what do you struggle with the most?

[thethinker42]

Hey folks! I'm working on a project to help writers who struggle with sex scenes, and I'm trying to figure out what exactly people find the most difficult/challenging. I've written easily 1,000 or more sex scenes in the last 15 years, and I have a whole laundry list of my own challenges in that department, so rest assured that whatever you struggle with, you're not alone! It can be anything from prose and pacing to writing outside of your own experience.

Thanks in advance!
Lori

 

[alexp336]

I think the two things that seem to cause the most hiccups are terminology and disembodied limbs. Getting the phrasing right - so that it doesn't sound clinical, but also not repetitive or weird - can be a challenge sometimes (we're outside of the locked area, so I won't give examples, but think basically "medical textbook versus restroom graffiti" )

Meanwhile, sometimes in the middle of scenes you get hands sliding up bodies or fingers easing along places, as if they have their own autonomy. I remember being regularly scolded by a previous editor a long while back for that, and it required an intentional brain reset to see what she was saying and why it was a problem.

 

[InkFinger]

Something I think we all struggle with to one extent, or another, is blocking - i.e. where all the body parts go, usually arms and legs, but plenty of other things. I can't tell you the number of scenes I've read where I got pulled out of the story because the scene just called for an action I couldn't picture... "How the hell are they going to do that?" or "Nope, her legs were by his head." I've read a scene where her panties were wiggled down her hips after she left them on the floor coming in the room. Was she wearing two pair?

This only gets worse when the bodies go past two.

 

[alexp336]

I've read a scene where her panties were wiggled down her hips after she left them on the floor coming in the room. Was she wearing two pair?

The first pair were her distraction set. You know it's serious if you get to the second pair.

 

[Maryn]

In a scene with two characters who are both he or both she, I can get really tangled up in pronouns, yet repeating their names gets singsong and/or weird. I've never attempted a three-or-more scene including a person who uses they. Scary!

 

[capricornair]

Hi Lori, I have two sex scenes in a manuscript draft right now. One is a flashback, the other ends with someone throwing up their dinner because they are so nervous. Both have been difficult! I was raised Roman Catholic, and if I'm being honest, it's still difficult to write graphically about sex, especially after being raised in an environment that shunned talking about any kind of pleasure of the human body. Sex is a sin - oy!

In all seriousness, I have struggled with how much detail to include, and how much to leave to the imagination. This brings to mind the tactics of horror films - how much visually do you share to make a scene terrifying, while leaving the rest to the viewer's mind? Not the same, of course, but comparable.

Thanks

 

[alexp336]

In all seriousness, I have struggled with how much detail to include, and how much to leave to the imagination. This brings to mind the tactics of horror films - how much visually do you share to make a scene terrifying, while leaving the rest to the viewer's mind? Not the same, of course, but comparable.

This is such a good point: getting the right amount, so that people don't feel cheated but also aren't overwhelmed or pulled out of the plot by the sex. Traditionally everything I've written has been erotica (or just outright smut, when the mood takes me) so I feel like I have a good barometer for high heat levels. Most recently, though, I've tried to write a romance and deciding quite how explicit that should/can be has been fascinating.

 

[InkFinger]

Hi Lori, I have two sex scenes in a manuscript draft right now. One is a flashback, the other ends with someone throwing up their dinner because they are so nervous. Both have been difficult! I was raised Roman Catholic, and if I'm being honest, it's still difficult to write graphically about sex, especially after being raised in an environment that shunned talking about any kind of pleasure of the human body. Sex is a sin - oy!

In all seriousness, I have struggled with how much detail to include, and how much to leave to the imagination. This brings to mind the tactics of horror films - how much visually do you share to make a scene terrifying, while leaving the rest to the viewer's mind? Not the same, of course, but comparable.

Thanks

I find that I write without a 'governor' on my writing and then pare it back. The issue is that your gut knows. Write what you are comfortable with and fits the scene. Very rarely do you need to cut scenes, but when you do, you'll have all the naughty bits and can be selective, like pruning a rose.

Some of those here will tell you that I write very graphic, but can write much more sweet when called on.

 

[Unimportant]

In a scene with two characters who are both he or both she, I can get really tangled up in pronouns, yet repeating their names gets singsong and/or weird. I've never attempted a three-or-more scene including a person who uses they. Scary!

Definitely that one. Any sex scene that involves two people with the same pronouns is a nightmare.

Also, similes. So many will throw you out of the scene/mood, and the rest are cliches. Her skin felt soft and smooth as.... satin, silk, velvet? Been there, done that. Bread dough, ripe figs, margerine, phyllo? We've left the bedroom and gone into the kitchen. Flocked wallpaper, lavender petals, the wodge of cotton at the top of a bottle of Tylenol? Now we're at Grandma's house. Cow poop, mud, pus from a pimple? Oh, yeah, that's sexy as.

 

[Chime]

Knowing damn well I am giving chapters of my story for my dad to read…! LOL

I’m writing a fantasy, and there actually is only one “sexy” like PG13 (maybe a bit more?) scene in it that I can think of. (that my dad is NOT going to be allowed to read. LOL. I may be an adult but I’m his little girl and I wouldnt want to read a sex scene he wrote, right!? To me: Gross!)

Uhm, but I honestly feel a bit awkard as maybe the characters do anyway, so I guess it works out.
But if I am acting them out, I guess it just depends. Some have game, some don’t.
Still have yet to write the scene so we’ll see how it goes, maybe I will be messaging you in a couple weeks for help lol.

For my story, I’m not trying to make it steamy, just real, which honestly, can be a bit awkward and humorous anyway! Gosh, is it actually EVER like an erotica novel?

“He really only has one pace to this, doesn’t he? Well that’s ok, should be done soon I guess, and then we get that left over spagetti, Ooo but I have that new vegan cheese to try! Oh, ooo, that felt nice. Maybe I should get on top now? We can make this a bit better, can’t we?”

I mean, it’s not ALWAYS like that, but it’s not always NOT like that, right?

edit: uh yeah obviously I am not an erotica writer, I don’t have the interest LOL, but some outside perspective isn’t bad, is it?

If you say “yes it is, go away. I am gone! Poof!!” lol

 

[alexp336]

“He really only has one pace to this, doesn’t he? Well that’s ok, should be done soon I guess, and then we get that left over spagetti, Ooo but I have that new vegan cheese to try! Oh, ooo, that felt nice. Maybe I should get on top now? We can make this a bit better, can’t we?”

To be fair, knowing there are leftovers waiting can be a good motivator to bring things to a conclusion

 

[Chris P]

Hey folks! I'm working on a project to help writers who struggle with sex scenes, and I'm trying to figure out what exactly people find the most difficult/challenging. I've written easily 1,000 or more sex scenes in the last 15 years, and I have a whole laundry list of my own challenges in that department, so rest assured that whatever you struggle with, you're not alone! It can be anything from prose and pacing to writing outside of your own experience.

Thanks in advance!
Lori

For me, it's matching the tone, voice, etc. of the rest of the work. Stuff's going along a certain way until I have 50-something professors in a middle school locker room, then working class dude smack in the middle of a reproductive anatomy textbook. The way I've found through it is to focus on how the narrator, and not the characters, relate to things (much easier in third person). How does the narrator describe the rain the character is driving through? Follow that lead with the sex scenes. Of course people expect a bit more from a sex scene than a rainstorm, but the voice shouldn't be radically different.

 

[Jazz Club]

For me, it's matching the tone, voice, etc. of the rest of the work. Stuff's going along a certain way until I have 50-something professors in a middle school locker room, then working class dude smack in the middle of a reproductive anatomy textbook. The way I've found through it is to focus on how the narrator, and not the characters, relate to things (much easier in third person). How does the narrator describe the rain the character is driving through? Follow that lead with the sex scenes. Of course people expect a bit more from a sex scene than a rainstorm, but the voice shouldn't be radically different.

Good point. Sometimes in sex scenes there's a temptation among writers to ascend to the 'sexy register'. Characters suddenly start acting completely unlike themselves—suaver, hotter, BETTER. Like something in a dinner jacket from a Cary Grant film. The same few adjectives and verbs make an appearance (Unimportant named a few), even if the reader knows it's not something the character would ever say or even think. I prefer it when they're still themselves, just sweaty.

 

[alexp336]

Good point. Sometimes in sex scenes there's a temptation among writers to ascend to the 'sexy register'. Characters suddenly start acting completely unlike themselves—suaver, hotter, BETTER. Like something in a dinner jacket from a Cary Grant film. The same few adjectives and verbs make an appearance (Unimportant named a few), even if the reader knows it's not something the character would ever say or even think. I prefer it when they're still themselves, just sweaty.

The way around this is to only ever have your characters involved in sexy times. Just toppling from one sweaty gristle-fest to the next. There, register issue solved!

 

[Jazz Club]

The way around this is to only ever have your characters involved in sexy times. Just toppling from one sweaty gristle-fest to the next. There, register issue solved!

Wow, you're good...

 

[thethinker42]

These are great, folks! Thank you!

 

[Unimportant]

And, at least with erotica as a genre: is the "type" of sex in this scene the right one to forward both the plot and the character arc?

And (you did ask! Silly you, Lori!) how do you research stuff (smexytime kinks, toys, whatevs) that you, the author, have zero personal experience (and possibly no personal interest) in? How do you find verifiable, factual information (as opposed to some yabbo's fantasy that has no relationship with reality)? Yanno -- how big of a courgette could you realistically insert into That Place? And how would you get it out?

And (are you sorry you asked yet?) how do you tread the fine line between hottie smexy and safe sex? How do you make safe sex hot?

 

[Unimportant]

And how do you deal with characters who are sexually attracted to each other but also hate each other personally?

 

[InkFinger]

And how do you deal with characters who are sexually attracted to each other but also hate each other personally?

Come on, now. Hate sex can be some of the sexiest stuff in the book.

 

[Unimportant]

Come on, now. Hate sex can be some of the sexiest stuff in the book.

But how do you do it? More to the point, how do you do it well?

 

[thethinker42]

And, at least with erotica as a genre: is the "type" of sex in this scene the right one to forward both the plot and the character arc?

And (you did ask! Silly you, Lori!) how do you research stuff (smexytime kinks, toys, whatevs) that you, the author, have zero personal experience (and possibly no personal interest) in? How do you find verifiable, factual information (as opposed to some yabbo's fantasy that has no relationship with reality)? Yanno -- how big of a courgette could you realistically insert into That Place? And how would you get it out?

And (are you sorry you asked yet?) how do you tread the fine line between hottie smexy and safe sex? How do you make safe sex hot?

As it happens, I have chapters devoted to most of those things, so nope, not sorry I asked! lol

 

[thethinker42]

Meanwhile, sometimes in the middle of scenes you get hands sliding up bodies or fingers easing along places, as if they have their own autonomy. I remember being regularly scolded by a previous editor a long while back for that, and it required an intentional brain reset to see what she was saying and why it was a problem.

NGL, I *hate* the whole "independent body parts" thing. As in, I hate when editors make a big deal out of it. Sometimes it makes sense and is a valid critique, but oftentimes it honestly comes down to being a little too literal and insulting the reader's intelligence.

If I say something like "fingertips trailed up her back" or "his eyes tracked her across the room," no one except for editors interpret that as the fingers literally acting of their own accord or the eyes becoming sentient. The first example pulls the reader's focus in tight to the sensation of fingertips across skin. The second creates a feeling of being watched; eyes tracking the person like a camera lens.

Are there other ways to phrase those things? Sure. But I've never bought that these versions are incorrect, and it bothers me that some editors have gotten so strict about it.

UGH. Sorry. lol It just drives me nuts because I think it's been overemphasized to a degree that it's made some writers self-conscious about their work over something that simply isn't that big of an issue. >.<

 

[thethinker42]

Knowing damn well I am giving chapters of my story for my dad to read…! LOL

I feel you. My mom reads all my books. ALL of them. Probably just as well my very first published book was an erotica novel with something like 25 sex scenes in it. Kind of got the awkwardness out of the way, and on that rare occasion I've thought "oh Lord, Mom's gonna read this," I just remind myself, "She read Between Brothers. It's fine."

And TBH I think the only scene she's ever tsked at me for wasn't a sex scene at all. It was when one of my Navy SEALs lost his temper and said "fuck" a few too many times for her liking in a single page. Which says a lot given that she and I both married into the Navy and are very well aware of how much swearing goes on there. LOL She just didn't enjoy reading it, but it didn't stop her from finishing (and liking) the book.

To be serious, it can definitely be a little weird, having Mom or Dad read your sex scenes, but remind yourself that anyone who reads your book wants the whole story.

And after a while, you do get used to the idea of a parent reading your steamy scenes. Ask me how I know. LOL

 

[thethinker42]

And how do you deal with characters who are sexually attracted to each other but also hate each other personally?

I have a chapter on this too, because yes, it's a tough one!

 

[InkFinger]

I feel you. My mom reads all my books. ALL of them. Probably just as well my very first published book was an erotica novel with something like 25 sex scenes in it. Kind of got the awkwardness out of the way, and on that rare occasion I've thought "oh Lord, Mom's gonna read this," I just remind myself, "She read Between Brothers. It's fine."

And TBH I think the only scene she's ever tsked at me for wasn't a sex scene at all. It was when one of my Navy SEALs lost his temper and said "fuck" a few too many times for her liking in a single page. Which says a lot given that she and I both married into the Navy and are very well aware of how much swearing goes on there. LOL She just didn't enjoy reading it, but it didn't stop her from finishing (and liking) the book.

To be serious, it can definitely be a little weird, having Mom or Dad read your sex scenes, but remind yourself that anyone who reads your book wants the whole story.

And after a while, you do get used to the idea of a parent reading your steamy scenes. Ask me how I know. LOL

To that end, I made a bargain with myself that I shouldn't be writing anything I would be embarrassed for my mother to see. She is free to read anything I write. She knows I write erotica and has graciously declined reading it. I would, in fact, be embarrassed to have my 80-year-old mother reading that written by me. I assure you she's read plenty by others. But, I write other stuff that includes graphic sex and graphic violence and her response to me was, "Please, honey, you came from somewhere and it wasn't the stork."

In a strange way, I feel much better knowing that A) I am not embarrassed for her to know, and B) she has the grace not to rub my nose in it.