So, I've recently gotten confirmation that I "pass" to at least some people. It was sorta funny and involved someone thinking that (old name) must be my son, but it's a long story. In general, though, I've been doing better.
Positive Side: I feel better about myself, I look better, and I'm not quite so sensitive to things. I don't cry about hating my body or about transphobic remarks anymore. They annoy me, but I don't get so upset.
(EDIT: Also, I look younger by at least five years, maybe more when you factor in that I used to be seen as older than I really was. I'm happy about the change.)
This is shorter than "negative side" but outweighs it by such a huge amount. It's just not that complicated and comes down to, "I feel great!"
Negative Side: Yesterday, I realized that the reason I'd been aimless for a week or so was that transition was no longer my entire life. It's good, but now I've got to find other uses for my mind.
I've also realized that I had more lingering privilege than I thought, and it's kinda embarrassing that I didn't realize how much I had.
Now that I can "blend," and slipping back into total conformity is an option, it's a little harder to resist. I will, because I never, ever want to feel like I have to hide who I am, ever again, but I finally realize why some trans women go "deep stealth."
For the first time, being gay is probably going to be a bigger deal than being trans. And I'm actually rather femme looking now, so many people seem to assume I like men, even if they know I'm trans. (Whereas before, they'd assume I liked women, even if the knew I was trans.) There's a slight pressure not to say anything, or to use gender neutral pronouns for my girlfriend. Standard "how do I want to phrase it in this particular social setting?" issue that most gay and bi people seem to have to deal with. I'm glad I've gotten to this point, even though it's a little scary.
I also never thought I'd run into that "femme invisibility" thing, but it seems I am, and it's bothering me a little for some reason. I always thought if I had a problem with being read as straight, it would be lingering homophobic programming from being raised as a guy, but it's actually more about feeling like I'm slipping back into my old habit of pretending to be what people assume I am. I really love being able to be femme, because that's what comes naturally to me. But I always imagined myself being obviously LGBT no matter what, so I wasn't mentally prepared for this.
So, yes, I'm basically whining about, "Being gay is hard, some people act weird about it," as if I hadn't known that already. I mean, I totally did. And people looked at me funny when I looked like a guy dressed in sorta feminine clothes, and I used to get read as a gay man sometimes even before that. But now that I don't look quite so obviously trans, I get that different sort of thing where people are surprised (and didn't believe me, in one case) if they find out I like women and not men. It's surreal more than anything, at this point.
Also, I'm still not totally confident on how well I blend, and I think some people still might read me as trans, so that makes going to the bathroom a little scary.
Overall, though, it's more surreal than scary, and I'm so happy I've gotten this far.