The thread in which Haggis now talks to himself
- Thread starter Jaycinth
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anyway,....
*strolls onto stage*
do you guys know what donkeys send out near christmas?
mule-tide greetings!!!
alright alright. check it....
haggis and his pet donkey, cray, walk into a bar. it's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking.
they start off slowly, watching tv, drinking beer, eating peanuts. as the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other.
finally, the bartender says: "last call."
so, haggis says, "one more for me... and one more for my donkey."
the bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. suddenly, the donkey falls over dead.
haggis throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave.
the bartender, yells: "hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."
to which haggis replies: "that's not a lion, that's a donkey."
haggis and his pet donkey, cray, walk into a bar. it's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking.
they start off slowly, watching tv, drinking beer, eating peanuts. as the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other.
finally, the bartender says: "last call."
so, haggis says, "one more for me... and one more for my donkey."
the bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. suddenly, the donkey falls over dead.
haggis throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave.
the bartender, yells: "hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."
to which haggis replies: "that's not a lion, that's a donkey."
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i have no idea what you're talking about, reg.
alls i be knowing is that i'm killing up here on stage and you're cramping my style!
what happens when your carrying a donkey and you chuckle so hard you drop him?
you're laughing your ass off!
alls i be knowing is that i'm killing up here on stage and you're cramping my style!
what happens when your carrying a donkey and you chuckle so hard you drop him?
you're laughing your ass off!
here's one!
qw was in the movie theater and notices what looks like a donkey sitting next to him.
"are you a donkey?" asked qw because he's an idiot.
"yes."
"what are you doing at the movies?"
the donkey replied, "well, i liked the book!"
qw was in the movie theater and notices what looks like a donkey sitting next to him.
"are you a donkey?" asked qw because he's an idiot.
"yes."
"what are you doing at the movies?"
the donkey replied, "well, i liked the book!"
*sips water*
hey, the coach had put together the perfect team for the philadelphia eagles. the only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. he had scouted all the colleges and even the canadian and european leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a super bowl win.
then one night while watching cnn he saw a war-zone scene in afghanistan . in one corner of the background, he spotted a young afghan muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. he threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
kaboom!
he threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
ka-blooey!
then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
bulls-eye!
"i've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "he has the perfect arm!"
so, he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football. and the eagles go on to win the super bowl.
the young afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"mom," he says into the phone, "i just won the super bowl!"
"i don't want to talk to you", the old muslim woman says."you are not my son!"
"i don't think you understand, mother," the young man pleads. "i've won the greatest sporting event in the world. i'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"no! let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "at this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. the neighborhood is a pile of rubble. your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and i have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" the old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "i will never forgive you for making us move to philadelphia !!!!
hey, the coach had put together the perfect team for the philadelphia eagles. the only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. he had scouted all the colleges and even the canadian and european leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a super bowl win.
then one night while watching cnn he saw a war-zone scene in afghanistan . in one corner of the background, he spotted a young afghan muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. he threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
kaboom!
he threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
ka-blooey!
then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
bulls-eye!
"i've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "he has the perfect arm!"
so, he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football. and the eagles go on to win the super bowl.
the young afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"mom," he says into the phone, "i just won the super bowl!"
"i don't want to talk to you", the old muslim woman says."you are not my son!"
"i don't think you understand, mother," the young man pleads. "i've won the greatest sporting event in the world. i'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"no! let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "at this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. the neighborhood is a pile of rubble. your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and i have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" the old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "i will never forgive you for making us move to philadelphia !!!!
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i know, right?!?did you know that 50 thousand years ago haggis and his wife swachski lived in a cave, and everyday there was this annoying neanderthal who would come sit in front of the cave and start making fun of haggis and teasing him: "you call yourself a man? you're nothing but a wimp who's afraid of his own shadow. if you're a real man come out here and fight me! oh, you think you're so cool, pffft!".
haggiisis’s wife would get so annoyed "why are you letting him get away with this? if you're not gonna do something about this, i will!", and haggis would say "just ignore him, he's a freaking neanderthal, he's not worth it, just let it go".
one day, swach felt that she couldn't take it anymore, and decided to handle the situation by herself. she came out of the cave and started running after the neanderthal. the neanderthal ran and ran, but she was close on his heel. he entered a pipe and got out on the other end. when she tried to get in, she got stuck, so the neanderthal came from behind and yanno,….did things to her.
at long last swach freed herself and went back to the cave, angry and frustrated.
haggis looked at her and said: "so... he took you to the pipe didn't he?"
ummm,.....
robieiueuusuwuuaueu walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. rob asks, "what's this about?"
mel replies, "well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. if you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. you wanna do it?"
robbyvowels replies, "nah, the steaks are too high."
robieiueuusuwuuaueu walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. rob asks, "what's this about?"
mel replies, "well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. if you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. you wanna do it?"
robbyvowels replies, "nah, the steaks are too high."
*throws down mic*
you people don't appreciate me!
*storms off stage*
*comes back*
see you all tomorrow, right?
i'll be here!
you people don't appreciate me!
*storms off stage*
*comes back*
see you all tomorrow, right?
i'll be here!
*yawn*
*flips on stage lights*
*turns on mic*
tap tap
thanks for your patience everyone. i got a bit of a late start today.
snow. shoveling. all that crap. i almost didn't make it in here today!
*sips coffee*
*peers out into crowd*
well, i guess i'll start today off like every other day and that is by singing eres tu. everyone knows the words so join in!
*flips on stage lights*
*turns on mic*
tap tap
thanks for your patience everyone. i got a bit of a late start today.
snow. shoveling. all that crap. i almost didn't make it in here today!
*sips coffee*
*peers out into crowd*
well, i guess i'll start today off like every other day and that is by singing eres tu. everyone knows the words so join in!
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