How supportive is your spouse/so?

[Etola]

Hmm...reading this thread has been very helpful for me. I have been with my S.O. since 1999, and he has always been supportive, even though his eyes glaze over if I go into too much depth on the process of writing. He's creative in that he's a great storyteller when he runs RPG's, but he doesn't really write, per se. We have an unspoken agreement that he never reads my stuff, because I know that his opinion will carry too much weight. However, he is really analytical, so he's a good sounding-board when my ideas are in the earliest stages of development.

And I know for a fact that, even when he doesn't seem to be paying attention to my story-talk, he retains it, and then goes and speaks glowingly about it to his friends and co-workers. It was a big wake-up call to me when we were hanging out with some friends, and I passingly mentioned one of my WIP's, and a friend asked about it, and my s.o. just launched into this incredible "OMG this story's concept is SO COOL" speech.

Our relationship has always fallen into the category of the three lives. He and I both have some shared interests, and some un-shared interests. I've always been good about letting him go out and do things with his friends, because otherwise, how can I expect him to let me go out and do things with my friends?

We just got married in July, and my new hubby and I have spent a lot of time just getting settled into the apartment, getting unpacked, buying furniture, and trying to turn our apartment into a 'home.'

But now that the dust is settling, I spend hours and hours writing in a delirious rush (or having writing parties with my writer friends, where we sit around writing in a delirious rush together), since I'm THIS CLOSE to the end of my novel's first draft. And I find myself worrying if I'm getting my marriage off on the wrong foot, or if my hubby feels neglected. He says he doesn't feel that way at all, but since we're both new at this whole marriage thing, I'm still worrying and second-guessing myself.

Reading other people's posts about how their marriages have (or haven't) worked has really assured me that as long as we keep the communication lines open, we will be able to work things out.

 

[wordmonkey]

I understand what you're getting at. But wasn't it Nabokov (or my next door neighbor) who said something like "every novel is a writer's failed attempt to express his theme..." And the next and the one after that. Since I'm only on my eighth (three published, four un) I figure I've got a few more before I exhaust the theme, or myself, or both.

Oh, don't think I'm ganging up on you with your good lady. I was really answering the question you asked in a theoretical way. Followed by a suggestion that maybe should have stressed the "if you want" aspect.

We all do what we do and can do nothing else.

For myself, I often don't know what the theme of a piece is when I start out. My characters have to tell me.

One of my favorite series of novels is the Spencer Series by Robert B. Parker. I think you could make a pretty strong argument that he basically writes the same book time and again mixing up the badguys a little. So if he can do that, I don't see that you exploring one theme is that bad. And in other creative careers it's perfectly acceptable. Van Gogh did several paintings of Irises not just the one that sold for silly money. Listen to Beethoven and you can here themes from his 9th Symphony in some of his shorter works.

If you can do it and sell it, more power to you.

I think I should also state that while I would make a very ugly woman, I have stunning ankles.

 

[Etola]

One of my favorite series of novels is the Spencer Series by Robert B. Parker. I think you could make a pretty strong argument that he basically writes the same book time and again mixing up the badguys a little. So if he can do that, I don't see that you exploring one theme is that bad. And in other creative careers it's perfectly acceptable. Van Gogh did several paintings of Irises not just the one that sold for silly money. Listen to Beethoven and you can here themes from his 9th Symphony in some of his shorter works.

I have to agree with this. All my novel-length WIPs and many of my shorts all seem to deal with the same or similar themes, or are telling the same message. If that's what you want to say, say it, and say it again--though it's also nice if that theme can deepen or be expanded on as you grow as a writer and a person. And if that theme still holds your readers' interest, even better

 

[Akiahara]

... i think this is a little sad. i've been with my husband for over four years now, but i just recently started taking writing seriously. he's not supportive, per se... more like he doesn't stop me from writing. he will occasionally try to talk to me while i'm typing though... it sorta messes up the flow sometimes. but he won't be my beta reader or anything like that.

but what makes me sad is that people would actually stop their loved one from writing. what a terrible thing to do.

 

[Cat Scratch]

Tangent: I'm a little surprised at the number of women in this thread who say they're welcome to write after chores are done, children are cared for, and husbands are fed. I guess I thought I lived in a world where the spouses are taking equal responsibility for things that are shared (like children) and where husbands are grown-ups who can do things like feed themselves. Perhaps I'm reading it wrong, but the number of people who have said "yes, he's very supportive, as long as I'm getting the rest of my 'work' done, too!" is a bit off-putting. It sounds almost as if writing, in the opinion of these couples, comes after making the bed?

 

[Carrie in PA]

It sounds almost as if writing, in the opinion of these couples, comes after making the bed?

I'm sure that in some homes, that is accurate. I, for one, am a SAHM. It is my *job* to see to the household and make sure everyone is fed. Writing is something I enjoy, but to be honest, it's a hobby. It does have to come after the laundry and the dishes.

That said, I am blessed with a DH who probably does 1/3 of the chores around here, even after working his behind off every day. I am a lucky, lucky woman. So yeah, in my life, writing comes behind some - probably most - of the grunt work.

 

[Becky Writes]

I'm sure that in some homes, that is accurate. I, for one, am a SAHM. It is my *job* to see to the household and make sure everyone is fed. Writing is something I enjoy, but to be honest, it's a hobby. It does have to come after the laundry and the dishes.

That said, I am blessed with a DH who probably does 1/3 of the chores around here, even after working his behind off every day. I am a lucky, lucky woman. So yeah, in my life, writing comes behind some - probably most - of the grunt work.

Well, except for the husband doing 1/3 of the chores, this is my life exactly. He takes care of the outside, and I take care of the inside. I get to write when I get everything else done, and it's up to me to manage my time. I have 4 kids under the age of 7, but I manage to get a couple of hours of writing time everyday.

 

[jbal]

Tangent: I'm a little surprised at the number of women in this thread who say they're welcome to write after chores are done, children are cared for, and husbands are fed. I guess I thought I lived in a world where the spouses are taking equal responsibility for things that are shared (like children) and where husbands are grown-ups who can do things like feed themselves. Perhaps I'm reading it wrong, but the number of people who have said "yes, he's very supportive, as long as I'm getting the rest of my 'work' done, too!" is a bit off-putting. It sounds almost as if writing, in the opinion of these couples, comes after making the bed?

I don't think this is that unrealistic. I mean, writing for me comes after I work nine or ten hours in a day at my "real" job (aka the one I get paid for). It all depends on what your arrangement with your spouse is. My wife is a stay at home mom like some of you above. SAHM is like two full time jobs, I don't know how you'd have time for anything else. But it includes plenty of responsibilities which would have to come before writing IMO.

 

[adamandnoura]

My wife and family are always very supportive, although more support after I won some competitions with my poetry. Suddenly it's - okay write, write, write. We have an author in the house! As if it was something to be proud of getting myself featured in a few local papers, its nothing much, most people can do that.

 

[Ralyks]

Tangent: I'm a little surprised at the number of women in this thread who say they're welcome to write after chores are done, children are cared for, and husbands are fed. I guess I thought I lived in a world where the spouses are taking equal responsibility for things that are shared (like children) and where husbands are grown-ups who can do things like feed themselves. Perhaps I'm reading it wrong, but the number of people who have said "yes, he's very supportive, as long as I'm getting the rest of my 'work' done, too!" is a bit off-putting. It sounds almost as if writing, in the opinion of these couples, comes after making the bed?

Some women do choose to be stay at home moms (I'm one). When your husband is working a 50 hour work week to put food on your table and a roof over your head and clothes on your back, it's not so bad to cook dinner for him or clean up the house. I also prefer to eat meals as a couple rather than have my "grown-up" husband feed himself alone at the table or eat alone myself. I get some writing done throughout the day (nap times, TV break), and some in the evening after dinner while my husband watches the kids. People have different workschedules, different talents, and different standards of cleanliness--and in reality there are very few households where everything is split 50/50, even when both work. I couldn't respect my husband if, as a stay at home dad, he sat around and cleaned his guns half the day while ignoring the kids and leaving me to sit alone at the table with a microwaved meal after I'd worked a nine hour day and driven a two hour commute. I wouldn't demand that he respect me if I behave in a similar fashion with regard to my writing.

But I never make the bed. Neither does he. And the world goes on.

 

[Cat Scratch]

Thanks for the perspective. I understand the needs of youngsters (well, not firsthand or anything) and the fact that stay-at-home-parenting is a non-stop 24/7 activity. My writing is far more than a hobby for me, so I'd see where I personally let a few things slack like dishes in the sink for a day or two (or, yikes, more) even during the times my spouse was the only one working and my "job" was to stay at home. My writing came above my housekeeping, even though he was the one earning the dough. But in our case the understanding is that at some point I'll be making my share with the writing I'm investing in right now (I hope!). I guess we don't see it as an exchange of "You can stay home, provided you are prepared to be the maid."

It's just unfortunate that given all the leaps in equality, women still consider themselves "lucky" when a man does his share of housework. I guess I just wish that would be the default setting. Could you imagine saying (please don't misunderstand, this is an EXTREME comparison) "I'm so lucky--my husband let's me have a job!"

 

[Carrie in PA]

I guess we don't see it as an exchange of "You can stay home, provided you are prepared to be the maid."

It's just unfortunate that given all the leaps in equality, women still consider themselves "lucky" when a man does his share of housework. I guess I just wish that would be the default setting. Could you imagine saying (please don't misunderstand, this is an EXTREME comparison) "I'm so lucky--my husband let's me have a job!"

Wow. That's just so offensive that I'm not even sure how to reply.

Congratulations on your "enlightenment".

 

[Cat Scratch]

I certainly don't mean to offend and I'm by no means personally attacking you. My example was meant to illustrate how strange it would be if a woman (not you) took a job outside of the home and called herself "lucky." Obviously, those days are gone, yet the days when a man pitching in at home is "lucky" are not past. As if housekeeping is still "women's work," whether the woman works outside the home or not. That's all I meant.

Our priorities are clearly different as writing is a career for me and not a hobby. When I chose not to work a traditional "job" my focus turned to writing instead of the home. It's a difference in choices, and I'm by no means criticizing yours.

 

[Becky Writes]

"You can stay home, provided you are prepared to be the maid."

My DH is not letting me stay at home. It is a choice that we made based on the values we had for our life and our family. I am not the maid. I am the wife and the mommy, two jobs I wouldn't trade for anything -- not even writing a best selling novel. I don't see my "job" as a SAHM and a wife as a sacrifice, it's a privledge. I like talking care of my DH and kids.

 

[Carrie in PA]

I guess we don't see it as an exchange of "You can stay home, provided you are prepared to be the maid."

Thanks for explaining your position, but that sounded pretty darn critical and condescending to my ear (eye?).

I understand where you're coming from, even if I vehemently disagree. It's all good.

 

[sassandgroove]

Well, someone has to do the house work. And I've noticed my husband and I have different ideas of the same task. I like cooking, he doesn't, so we agreed I would cook and he would do dishes. BUt he leaves the dishes that need to be washed by hand. If I mention the pot or skillet, he'll wash it, but otherwise it is like he doesn't even see them. I think that may be why women shoulder more housework, even when both work outside the home. Women see what needs done differently. (Generally...I know there are exceptions on both sides, keep your hat on....) But he sees things I don't. Especially with the car. He remembers to get the oil changed, to get the tires rotated, to buy gas (yes, I've run out of gas....). We live in an apartment, but we're buying a house. I am sure he will see things to do there I don't, and vice versa.

 

[Ralyks]

It's just unfortunate that given all the leaps in equality, women still consider themselves "lucky" when a man does his share of housework. I guess I just wish that would be the default setting. Could you imagine saying (please don't misunderstand, this is an EXTREME comparison) "I'm so lucky--my husband let's me have a job!"

How about this--I'm so lucky that, my husband, after providing 95% of the household income, after working an eight hour day, after driving one hour to work and one hour back through horrendous, tedious traffic, comes through the door, takes only the short break of eating the dinner I've prepared, and then almost immediately starts tending the kids after so I can write in peace, having had very little if any time for himself?

And, yes, even when I was working full-time before we had kids, I did more than 50% of the housework, because I was working 40 hours and he was working 60, and my idea of "doing laundry" actually includes taking the clothes out of the dryer and folding them.

Someone made a very insightful comment that seems to have been passed over, and I'd like to draw it back out again:

Perhaps we should be asking how supportive a writer is to their spouse.

 

[Roger J Carlson]

I find discussions like this incredibly offensive. For the last 30 years, it has been impossible for men to discuss what the role of women in the home should be. That has been ruled sexist. Yet women can discuss what the role of men should be with impunity. Especially if the discussion is critical of men.

If you want a man who does his share of the housework, then marry one. They're out there. Look for it when you're dating. Discuss it before marriage.

But don't tell men how they should behave or other women how their men should behave. It's a great big world and there's plenty of room for couples to have a variety of opinions on the division of labor in the home and what suits them best.

 

[DTKelly]

My wife has always been supportive of my writing... Both during the times when I'm at the computer for hours cranking out pages or staring at a blank page.

Then again, I was a writer when my wife met me, so she knew what she was getting.

 

[sassandgroove]

I wouldn't say we are discussing this with impunity.

 

[Akiahara]

Tangent: I'm a little surprised at the number of women in this thread who say they're welcome to write after chores are done, children are cared for, and husbands are fed. I guess I thought I lived in a world where the spouses are taking equal responsibility for things that are shared (like children) and where husbands are grown-ups who can do things like feed themselves. Perhaps I'm reading it wrong, but the number of people who have said "yes, he's very supportive, as long as I'm getting the rest of my 'work' done, too!" is a bit off-putting. It sounds almost as if writing, in the opinion of these couples, comes after making the bed?

I think it's just different people. I do consider myself lucky that my husband does housework... because he does nearly all the housework. I'm not very family minded, and I think people like me get rubbed in the wrong way by "as long as I'm getting the rest of my 'work' done" mentality.

*shrug*

Different strokes, right?

 

[sassandgroove]

did you mean to call your hubby IT?

ETA: she fixed the post to read he.

 

[Akiahara]

did you mean to call your hubby IT?

........

AHAHAHA! Perhaps I shouldn't be a writer! I dunno, sometimes he's an 'it' when he wakes up in the middle of the night.

Thanks for pointing that out.

 

[Sunshine13]

Well, my husband tries to be supportive. It's more of blind support. He isn't a reader when it comes to non fiction, especially fantasy--he just doesn't get fantasy or sci fi or the likes, literacy wise anyway.

But, when it comes down to talking about our future, and finance, never is the possibility of a published book in the discussion. My stance on it I guess is that since it isn't a materialized idea, meaning I haven't been published yet, it isn't a possibility for him. He's a logical guy, and I guess he has to see it first before thinking it as a way of making money, or something I'll actually end up being successful at. He'll never be my beta reader though.

As for support on the house side of things while I write, well, I have BOTH worlds. I am A SAHM half the week, and a full time worker the other half. How is that possible? I work doubles 3 days out of the week. So I get 30-32 hours in. Those days I come home, hardly seeing my daughter for the day, maybe get something done like the dishes, maybe get a few words written, but mostly I am exhausted. The other days, when I am a SAHM, I tend to her, do what housework I can (Hubby does housework the days I work) but we try not to stress about the housework. Our bed hardly gets made as it is. There will be two days dishes may still be piled up. Toys may stay scattered in the living room a few days, but we realized sometimes it isn't as important as other things. I usually only write during nap times or bedtime for baby. I don't have a day off, so I really don't get a fully day to write like I use to back in the single days. But I wouldn't trade anything for my husband and daughter. They're what makes me whole. And I absolutely LOVE being a mommy and a wife who attempts to cook atleast 3 nights out of the week.


As for the issue where women and men should be in the household? To each there own. It isn't my business. Everyone has an opinion on it, so honestly, it's a debate, or subject, that will never come to an agreement. Therefore, I will not share my opinion on the matter

 

[NiamhEliza]

Love means never having to say: "You killed my muse!"

Hi Parkinson

My ex-boyfriend used to be offhand to dismissive of my writing. I had to sit him down and say, "This is really important to me, and when you make comments like <insert latest dig> it makes me feel like you don't appreciate what I'm trying to do." Lots of I-messages, solid eye contact and the occasional Chinese burn.

It was a recurring conversation for a while. I always tried to time it for when he was relaxed and we had a bottle of wine to hand.

Seven years later, he is my husband. I've just resigned from my job and am finishing my first novel.

Now he is unconditionally supportive of me and what I am doing. He is sympathetic when I have an off-day; he kicks my arse when I'm being lazy; he listens to me waffle on about plot points for hours; and he offers classy bribes to complete the book. He also knows better than to expect a response when I'm stuck into a chapter and will amuse himself while I pull faces at my computer.

He doesn't read my work because it is aimed at the young womens' market and he is a practising alpha male (he is very devout: he only reads Tom Clancy books).

Disinterest in a partner's work is manageable. Most people don't realise that writing is not just a 'job' or 'hobby'; it's more than a vocation even. I think it's a bit like airing your soul!

When your significant other actively puts your writing down, that is another matter. Depending on how much it bugs you, I would tell your wife how you feel. Try to get across how important your writing is to you, and how much her support would mean. Choose your moment(s). And keep trying.

Hope it all works out and whatever the outcome, keep at the writing!



Wishing you the best of luck